Who's the Demigod!
by Passion
Summary: Ever wanted to know what really went down on Smallville? *spoiler* Ch.11. Who shot Lionel Luthor?
1. Dichotic

I don't own anything in connection to Smallville or Alan Rickman. Everything else is my own wired imagination. ************************************************************************  
  
What really happened at the end of Dichotic.  
  
Clark watched as Chloe and Lana drove off in the Suburban to get the sheriff. Clark had stayed at the dam to keep a watch on the unconscious Ian.  
  
Clark turns away from where the SUV left and found Ian awake and mad. Ian took a swing at Clark, but Clark ducked easily and baked away to create space between them.  
  
Ian grins evilly at Clark, "You will never win Clark, because I am the prettiest!!!!"  
  
Clark stares a "Clark Kent" stare at Ian. "You can't win! I am the star, and I am the prettiest!"  
  
Ian shakes his head. "I got busy with both of your women. I am the prettiest!!!"  
  
Clark smiles. "Lana is a scanky hoe who will try to steal me from my true love, and Chloe dumped me after our first date. And it's rumored that they are lesbian lovers. I'm the prettiest."  
  
Ian's face contorts into a snarl. "No!"  
  
Clark smiles triumphantly. "Yes."  
  
Ian is desperate. "I have been in movies. And I was on Home Improvement. I'm the prettiest."  
  
Clark rolls his eyes. "Every one has a Christmas movie. It wasn't that good. And you left Home Improvement because you are a pri-madonna. I'm the prettiest."  
  
"Ha Ha! You don't have a Christmas movie! I'm the prettiest."  
  
"True, but I'm a male model, I make up for it in Christmas boxer adds. Where I'm shirtless. I'm the prettiest."  
  
Ian in now lost for comebacks. "I'm the prettiest!"  
  
"No, I'm the prettiest."  
  
"I can split in two. I'm the prettiest!"  
  
Clark puts his hands on his hips and lifts his chin in a classic hero stance. "I have blue tights and eye rays. I'm the prettiest."  
  
Suddenly the two boys are cut off by the squealing of tires. They look as a silver Ferrari skids to a stop. Lex Luther saunters out, followed by twenty super models in an sort of circus car act.  
  
Lex poses in his best "Lex" pose as models gather around him, swooning over him. "Hi. Clark."  
  
Ian gapes at the models. "How did you fit all those women in the car?"  
  
"I'm Lex Luther." As if that was the obvious answer. He turns to Clark. "Is there a problem Clark?"  
  
"That villain thinks he's prettier than I am."  
  
"I am Prettier than you."  
  
Lex smiles. "Boy's Boy's. I think I can resolve this matter easily."  
  
Clark smiles. "Well, then tell us."  
  
Ian stamps his foot. "That's not fair. He's your friend so he'll be biased toward you."  
  
Clark grins and shrugs his shoulders. "Hey who would have thought saving my future arch enemy would benefit me so? Well besides obvious plot reasons."  
  
Lex shakes his head. "We have to examine the evidence. Unfortunately, neither of you are the prettiest."  
  
Both Clark's and Ian's mouths drop open. "What?"  
  
Lex nods. "Isn't it obvious? I'm the prettiest."  
  
Clark looks like a puppy that has just been kicked. "How?"  
  
Lex regards Clark. "Clark, look at all of us. Out of the three of us, I'm the only one who has models hanging all over him. Also, I own fifty sports and luxury cars, I live in a castle, my wardrobe is better, and I'm bald."  
  
Ian nods in agreement. "He has us there."  
  
Clark sighs. "Right, neither of us are bald."  
  
Lex continues. "And because I'm bald, I also have the title of Sex God."  
  
Ian tries not to giggle. "Lex Luther the Sex God?"  
  
Lex glares at Ian. "That's right shortly."  
  
Suddenly there is a flash of lightning. A voice booms from above the three. "Who dares claim that he is the Sex God?"  
  
Ian hides behind Clark and points to Lex. "He does."  
  
A swirl of smoke appears and when it's gone a tall, dark figure, stands there in a swirling cloak. "Foolish mortal. You can not be the sex god."  
  
Eleven of the models who had been hanging off of Lex, swoon at the man's voice and go over to hang on him.  
  
Lex is irritated. "I'm Lex Luther. Who could be sexier than me?"  
  
The man steps forward, reviling himself while sweeping the cloak back over his shoulder. "I am Alan Rickman. The Sex God."  
  
Lex looks confused. "Who?"  
  
Alan sighs. "You know, Alan Rickman. The famous English Actor?" nothing but blank stares from the three boys. "I've been in many movies and plays." More blank stares. Alan sighs. "Bloody hell. I was a ghost who didn't want to leave his wife."  
  
Lex groans. "That was Patrick what's-his-name in Ghost."  
  
Alan waves at him. "Different movie. I was the sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood Prince of thieves."  
  
Clark shrugs. "Sorry, before my time."  
  
Alan is now clearly irritated. "I played the Voice of God in Dogma."  
  
Ian scratches his head. "Dog whata?"  
  
Alan glares at the three of them. A sudden idea makes him sigh in disgust. "I am professor Snape in the Harry Potter movies."  
  
Sudden recognition by the three boys makes Alan groan.  
  
Lex snaps his fingers. "Harry's worst teacher. I had someone like him when I took chemistry. He disappeared."  
  
Clark slaps his knee. "Right. I read all the fanfic's of Snape and Harry slashes."  
  
Lex takes a step away from Clark. "Hey man what you do in your spare time is private."  
  
Ian slaps his head. "Neato. The stopper in death guy."  
  
Alan regards Ian with distaste and sarcasm. "Right."  
  
Clark raises his hand. "If you're a god, then you can answer our question of who's the prettiest."  
  
Lex groans. "If you say it's yourself I will shoot you and then say it was self defense."  
  
Alan smiles. "Even I am a mere servant to the Deity's. But, they have decided all things and have entrusted the knowledge to me."  
  
Clark kicks a rock out of boredom. "And?"  
  
Alan spreads his arms wide. "The Deity's have declared that I, Alan Rickman am the Sex God. Also they have declared that you, Lex Luther, the Sex Demigod."  
  
Lex is confused. "Why am I only a demigod? I have all the cool stuff and I'm bald."  
  
Alan rolls his eyes. "Your name has odd syllables. Lex is one, Luther is two. The name must flow. Like mine. Alan has two, as dose Richman. And also you do not have 'The Voice'." Lex raises an eyebrow. "Notice how all the ladies swoon when I talk?" Lex nods. "That, young man, is 'The Voice'."  
  
Lex nods in understanding. "Oh."  
  
Alan turned to Clark. "And you Clark Kent are declared the prettiest. Your hair, eyes."Alan grudgingly sighs. "Your general yummy ness, the fact you can bench press a tractor and the fact you are a mild mannered reporter earn you this title."  
  
Clark smiles and flexes his bicep. "Cool."  
  
Alan turns away to leave but Ian stops him. "But what about me? Am I not yummy?"  
  
Alan glares down at him. "You are nothing but annoying!"  
  
Ian is crushed. "NO!" he runs and jumps off of the dam that just happened to be there.  
  
Clark burst into laughter. "That was easy. I'm the prettiest!"  
  
Lex pats Clark on the shoulder "Yes you are."  
  
Alan swoops up his cape. "Well my work hear is done."  
  
Lex shakes his head. "I discovered another reason you are the Sex God. "Alan looks at him questioningly. "You have a big cool cloak."  
  
Alan smirks. "Yes but you have the three quarter length trench coat. Farwell boys."  
  
Clark holds up his hand again. "But Mr. Sex God Sir. Can you tell us who are the Deities you speak of?"  
  
"The two Deities I speak of are the Goddess of Sticky Sweetness and the Goddess of Sam's Club Sized Cans of Whoop Ass. Now I must be off to my next job. I have some asses on Dawson's Creek I have to whip. Pacey thinks he's the "Love Master." "And with that the Sex God was gone.  
  
Lex looks around noticing that the models are gone. "Man, he took all of my groupies."  
  
Clark shrugs "He is the Sex God."  
  
Lex regards Clark. "So, you can bench press a tractor?"  
  
Clark's eyes widen in horror. "No."  
  
Lex sighs. "Come on Clark. The whole world knows your going to be Superman. You go to Star Trek Conventions and sign autographs. Why won't you tell me? I might be destined to try and kill you a few times.ok make that a lot, but we're friends now."  
  
Clark inches away meekly. "I'm the prettiest."  
  
"Whatever. Do you want a ride home?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Thus another disaster is averted and Clark's prettiness is preserved.  
  
Next time on Smallville. 


	2. Skinwalkers

I don't own anything in connection to Smallville or Lord Byron. Everything else is my own wired imagination. ************************************************************************  
  
Lionel couldn't see the thing that was growling at him. He was blind after all. As far as he could tell it was a poodle. At any length, it was big and large and it seemed it wanted to hurt him.  
  
"Lex?" He called out for his son. It was his son's house. Lex should be around here somewhere.  
  
Lionel had a wicked thought. Maybe his son had finally gotten tired of him and decided to get rid of him.  
  
Suddenly, Clark Kent burst into room. "Joshef!!!"  
  
The wolf stopped and stared at Clark. They had an intense staring contest for what seemed like forever. Lionel the whole time was playing the billionaire in distress.  
  
"Clark. What is going on?" Lionel shifted uneasily.  
  
"I'm trying to save your worthless ass fool!!"  
  
"My ass is not worthless. It's insured for billions of dollars. And I don't need you to save me. Lex is around here somewhere and he will save me. Well, after contemplating whether to let me die for a few minuets. But still!"  
  
"Wa??" Lexes head popped up over the couch. He had lipstick smudged about his face. "Did someone call my name?"  
  
Lionel huffed. "Lex where were you? I've been calling you to get rid of that growling thing."  
  
Lex growled. "I'm busy." A slender hand reaches from behind the couch and rubs Lexes head. "And it's only a wolf. Buy it or something. That's what you usually do." Lex disappeared behind the couch and slurping sounds began.  
  
Lionel huffed some more and waved his cane about. "Alexander Luther! You stop screwing that whore right now and get out hear and get rid of that growling thing!!"  
  
"What?!" Dr. Brice rose from behind the couch. She was pissed. "Did you just call me a whore? Cause if you did, I will drop kick your ass so fast . . ."  
  
Lex was up and covered her mouth with his hand. "Dr Brice, it would not be a good idea to annoy my father." He thought a minuet. "Though it would be funny to see someone drop kick him."  
  
Lionel's face grew red. "Lex!"  
  
Lex shrugged. "What? It would."  
  
The wolf growled and lay down in boredom. Clark rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. "Can you two just stop bickering for one minuet so we can stop the Big Bad Guy of the week from killing helpless extras and expendable towns people?" The wolf growled in agreement.  
  
Dr. Brice managed to get Lexes hand off her mouth. "Why are you so sure it's a Big Bad Guy? It could be a Big Bad Girl. I think your sexist." The wolf growled in agreement.  
  
Clark looked confused. "But I know that the Big Bad Person is the grandfather of the cute chick I'm screwing this week."  
  
Lex gently punches Clark in the arm. "Clark. You finally got over nasty hoe Lana, and you lost your virginity. I'm proud of you."  
  
The wolf growls angrily at Lex. Clark blushes. "Lex, I haven't lost my virginity." Clark then gets defensive. " Wait, you think Lana is a nasty hoe?"  
  
Lex swallows hard and answers in a forced rehearsed voice. "No. I think she is a wonderful loving person who is leading you on not to break your heart but to make sure your good enough for her."  
  
Clark smiles sheepishly. "You really think so?"  
  
Lex grits his teeth. "Yes. I really think so."  
  
Clark's eyes brighten. "Goody!!"  
  
Lionel clears his through. "I think she's a nasty hoe."  
  
Dr. Brice razes her hand. "Ditto."  
  
Clark ignores them. "I'm the prettiest."  
  
Lex nods. "Yes you are. And I'm the Sex Demigod."  
  
A flash of lightning erupts in the room and a man on a motorcycle appears in the middle of the room. The man on the bike gets off and strikes a "manly" pose. He is wearing all leather. Leather pants, leather tank top, and a leather duster. He looks very much like a white version of Morpheus from "The Matrix". His lip is bloody and he looks like he has just been in a bar fight. "Ha! Ha! I am Lord Byron! All tremble before me."  
  
The occupants of the room all look at each other in puzzlement. "Who?"  
  
Lord Byron sighs in barely contained rage. "Bloody Hell!!! You would think that after hundreds of years of bar fights, I would be more known." He gets blank stares from every one. "Hello? I'm mad, bad, and dangerous to know."  
  
Lex snaps his fingers. "Of cores. Lord Byron. Wasup my man? Your like my idol."  
  
Lord Byron smiles. "Cool."  
  
Lionel sits heavily back into his chair. "Good lord Lex! Your idol is a Old World Lord?" He regarded Lord Byron with distain. "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"  
  
Lord Byron growls at Lionel. "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"  
  
Lionel smirks. "My son and only heir saved my life."  
  
Clark raises his hand. "Can we get back to the Big Bad Guy and My plot line? It's my show and I'm the prettiest."  
  
Lord Byron scoffs at Clark. "Bloody hell. Every one already knows that the wolf is a skin walker and your lover. Get over your self."  
  
Clark looks like a puppy that has just been kicked. "I'm the prettiest."  
  
Dr. Brice snaps her fingers in the Z formation. " What are you talking about? I'm the prettiest."  
  
The wolf barked as if to say "Oh hell no bitch! I'm the prettiest!"  
  
Lord Byron rolls his eyes and lifts his arms. "Hence the reason the Deity's sent me here."  
  
Lex lifts his eyebrows. "You were sent by the Deity's? How many Sex Gods do they have?"  
  
"One. Alan Rickman is The Sex God. I'm not even a god. I'm just Mad Bad and Dangerous to Know."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Beeping filled the room. Dr. Brice Jumps and grabs her pager. "Man. The mayor broke his leg. I have to go." She kissed Lex and the turned to Clark. "We'll continue the argument on who's prettiest later. Perhaps when it becomes clear that I am evil or when Lex gets tired of me. And remember. I can drop kick your ass." She turns to leave but before she leaves she drop kicks Lionel, then rushes out. Lionel crumples in his seat unconscious.  
  
Lord Byron smiles. "I like that that girl. She rocks."  
  
Lex nods. "And she is one hell of a kisser."  
  
Clark shifts uneasily. "So, Lord Byron. Why did the Deity's send you?"  
  
"Why do you think?"  
  
"Because I have blue tights and eye rays?"  
  
"No you moron. Your new girlfriend is trying to usurp you in your title. I'm here to stop it."  
  
"Why didn't Alan Rickman come?"  
  
"Because he hates Ian. And because he is still at Dawson's Creek deflating egos."  
  
Lex shakes his head. "Why can't they see that Smallville is the new WB favorite show? I would buy them out, but why?"  
  
Suddenly, Lana runs in crying. "Whitney is missing in action!!! Boo Hoo!!"  
  
The three men look at each other puzzled. Clark rubs his head. "Um. Lana. It's not time for that yet. I haven't even found out that my lover is that wolf."  
  
Lana immediately stops crying. "Oh. My bad."  
  
Lex snorts. "And what would make you think we give a flying flip about the Quarterback anyway. I had to hear about you and him All. Last. Year. It's bad enough that I have to deal with crazy bitches who want to kill me, or knowing that I will one day be evil no matter how warm and fuzzy I try to be, or to have my best friend, in a completely nonsexual way, pinning over some worthless tramp. A tramp, which the only thing she has going for her is her Big. Ass. Doe. Eyes. that in trance male beings across the country. I've even went into a business deal with you so you could prove that you have deeper layers than the Shallow. Whinny. Bitch. that every one knows you are. This is more than one man can take. I run my own company. What do I care about High School? I went to privet school! Get out of my Scottish castle you Whinny. Little. Cookie. Cutter. High. School. Cheerleader. Bitch. And don't you dare say you need special treatment because your parent's died in the meteor shower because if you do, I will shoot you and claim it was self-defense. I lost my Hair! My mom died after a long agonizing sickness, my father hates me and I will eventually kill the one person who has treated me like a normal person. So don't talk to me about mental anguish hoe!"  
  
Lana squeaks and runs out of the room. Lord Byron laughs and pats Lex on the Back. "A man after my own heart. That was poetry young bald man of extraordinary sexiness."  
  
Lex shrugs. "Well I am the Sex Demigod."  
  
Clark looks confused. "Lex. You like Lana don't you?"  
  
Lex thinks a moment. "Clark, Lana is a very special girl."  
  
Lord Byron adds under his breath. "Special ED that is."  
  
Lord Byron and Lex giggle and exchange a high five. A random book falls out of nowhere and hits Clark on the head. Clark shakes him self and then smacks his head. "I sorry. I was operating in pre get-over-Lana mental state. I forgot that she is really just a friend and that I really don't want her body . . . or her brain for that matter. You know Lex you were right. She is whinny. And a bitch."  
  
Lord Byron slaps Clarks back and smiles. "Welcome to the Mad Bad and Dangerous to know side Clark. Before you know it, you will own the ladies . . . and then abandon it all to be meek and submissive for your one true love . . ." The wolf growled and looked generally mad. "Opps. I almost gave away a plot line. My bad."  
  
Lex shrugs. "Hell, I've made obvious plot remarks since Clark and I met."  
  
"Yes. But they were at least thinly veiled. I don't have enough tact for that."  
  
"You know I could give you some pointers if you'd like."  
  
"That would be great."  
  
Clark clears his thought, getting the two men's attention. "Could we please get back to me? The reason your hear."  
  
Lord Byron shrugs. "My main goal was to remind you that you weren't in love with Lana anymore." He waves at the wolf. "Your love is going to be dead in the next scene so it really doesn't matter if she thinks she's The Prettiest. She'll be dead and you'll still be The Prettiest. My work here is done." He turns to Lex. "So do you want to go bar hopping, pick up women and get in fights?"  
  
Lex shakes his head. "Sorry. I own my own company and must act like a responsible adult. Also, Clark looks up to me, kind of like a big brother, and so I have to set a good example."  
  
Lord Byron makes a face. "Oh, the responsible Lex. I guess I'll have to try a few years back."  
  
A grown is herd from Lionel as he slowly gets up. "What happened?"  
  
Lex lies. "You passed out and hit your head."  
  
Lionel grimaces. "Oh. Is the growling thing gone yet?" The wolf growls angrily. "Guess not."  
  
Lord Byron gets back on his bike. "Well, I must be off. The Deity's might get worried."  
  
Lionel holds out a blind had. "And who sir, are the Deity's you speak of?"  
  
Lord Byron rolls his eyes. "The Goddess of Sticky Sweetness, and the Goddess of Sam's Club Size Cans of Whoop Ass."  
  
Lionel swallows hard. "Oh."  
  
Lord Byron ignores Lionel. "You know I like them a lot. The Goddess of Sticky Sweetness is a young, blond, American, female version of me. Well, besides the fact that she's a very sweet girl. It's her secret weapon. She looks, and acts sweet, but damn!! She can be the Bitch Goddess if she wants to. And The Goddess of Sam's Club Size Cans of Whoop Ass is like an young, red haired, Trinidadian, female, black version of me. If you piss her off she will just run you off the road and beat you down in a fit of rage. She did that once to an old man in Santa Fe. Very ugly. Anyway, see you all later!"  
  
And with that Lord Byron vanished in a bolt of lighting. Lex leers at his father. "Dad. Do you know who the Deity's are?"  
  
Lionel sighs. "I guess I can't keep it from you forever."  
  
Lex moans and puts his head in his hand. "What did you do now to destroy my life?"  
  
Lionel thinks a second before answering. "Well son, the Luthers have a habit of losing their hair."  
  
Lex is impatient. "And?"  
  
"And well the prospect of losing my hair and becoming bald was something I was not going to let happen. So, I made a deal with the Deity's."  
  
Lexes mouth dropped open. "Dad, did you take my hair so you would never lose yours? I hate you!!! All those years you made me feel ashamed because I didn't have hair. You are a monster!! I wish you died and mom was still here!! I hate you!"  
  
Lionel rolls his blind eyes. "Lex I didn't take your hair. The Deity's stopped my hair loss because I gave them You."  
  
Lex freezes. "You what?!"  
  
"I made an agreement that when you were old enough to decide, that you would become one of their willing cabana boy's, aka their sex slave."  
  
Lex thinks for a minuet. "Are they hot, these Deity's?"  
  
Lionel smiles. "Very."  
  
Lex smiles. "Ok, as long as they're not into too much kinky stuff, I don't have a problem."  
  
"I tried to get them to take me, but they said I was too evil, and hairy for them."  
  
Clark clears his throat. "Lex, it's really nice that you're bonding with your father, but I still have to stop the Big Bad Person."  
  
Lex just stares at Clark in disbelief. "Clark, the entire episode is about you and your new love. Sure I have a few cool parts, but you should learn to share. And besides, I'm making up for the five minuets I had on screen last episode. Furthermore the big climax of this episode is you having a Staring. Contest. with a WOLF. You would think that a man who can bench press a tractor could think of something a little more exiting than a staring contest for the big moment."  
  
Clark inches away and avoids Lexes eyes. "I can't bench press a tractor Lex."  
  
"Right, and next you'll be telling me you can't shoot fire through your eyes, or run faster than a speeding bullet, or see through walls, or float in your dreams."  
  
Clark's eyes get wider. "No, can't do any of that."  
  
Lex shakes his head. "Right Clark. Well I have to be somewhere besides in this room, I'm not in this scene after all, like I'm not in any other climax scene unless I'm passed out, knocked out, or falling off indoor balconies at shut down clubs, so you two have fun." Lex saunters out of the room.  
  
Clark smiles at Lionel. "Well Mr. Luther. Are you ready?"  
  
Lionel groans. "Yes Clark, I am ready."  
  
Clark looks top the Wolf. "Well, wolf who is my lover, though who I think is my lovers grandfather, are you ready?" The wolf nods and begins to growl again. Clark and the wolf begin the staring contest.  
  
And so Clark is saved from pining over Lana, and Lex learns how his father has so much hair. And all is well in SMALLVILLE. Well, as well as Smallville gets.  
  
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . 


	3. Heat

I don't own anything in connection to Smallville, Alan Rickman, Mandy Moor, Kelly Osborn, or Lord Byron. I also mean no ill will towards John Ashcroft, Brittany Spears, or Christina Agulaira. Everything else is my own weird imagination. Holio Blackheart, however, is all mine!!! Mwahahahaha! ************************************************************************  
  
Jonathan Kent raised his shotgun and took aim at Lex Luther.  
  
Lex backed up. "Please don't shoot me Mr. Kent! I swear when I hit on Martha, I didn't know that she was married!"  
  
Jonathan growled. "You're a Bad Bad Man. And if I weren't under your wife's spell of seduction, I would want to know more about you hitting on my wife."  
  
Lex putts up his hands. "So your saying that you are going to shoot me because my wife has an unexplained power over most men and that it's probably related to the meteor rocks?"  
  
Jonathan shrugs. "Something like that."  
  
Lex sighs in relief and drops his hands. "Ok. Then I don't have to worry, Clark will be hear any minuet to save my ass. You know, I was actually worried."  
  
Desire' putts her hands on her hips and scowls. "Shut up you annoying play thing. I am serious about having people kill you. Just, whine or cower or something."  
  
Lex immediately looks terrified and begins to back away from the pair. "Mr. Kent. Don't shoot me. I'm Bald and Sexy."  
  
Clark suddenly bursts in. "Dad! Don't shoot Lex! Your being brain washed by the pheromone producing meteor rock freak of the week! She's the evil one not Lex!!!  
  
Lex smiles. "I told you Clark would come to save me."  
  
Desire' growls. "Shut up play thing!"  
  
"Yes Mistress."  
  
Desire' begins to act like a criminal mastermind. "You may have escaped from prison, but you will never stop your father from shooting my Lexy Poo, thus making me rich. Mawhahahahahahahahahaha!"  
  
Clark raises an eyebrow. "Riiiight."  
  
Desire' smiles sweetly. "Ok. Pookie. Shoot Lexy Poo."  
  
Jonathan smirks. "With pleasure Love Muffin."  
  
Clark raises a hand as Lex begins to duck. "Dad! Don't!"  
  
Jonathan fires the gun. Lex ducks for cover. The bullet starts its slow motion journey to its target. Clark squints at it to try and melt it with his newly, and conveniently, developed Eye Rays. Suddenly the bullet freezes in mid air. Lex falls to the ground and Clark can't seem to get his Eye Rays working. The confused occupants of the room stare at the unmoving bullet.  
  
Jonathan looks confused at Clark. "Son, did you develop a new ability and not tell us?"  
  
Clark shakes his head. "It wasn't me."  
  
Jonathan turns to Lex. "What about you Lex?"  
  
"I was ducking for my life. Unless I'm now Harry Potter, or a Jedi master, it wasn't me."  
  
"Desire'?"  
  
Desire' shrugs. "I can only seduce men with my body. Cool gifts were not in my contract."  
  
The group gathers around the bullet, careful to avoid the front of the bullet. Lex cautiously pokes at the bullet. His finger goes right through it. The bullet flickers and disappears.  
  
Lex raises an eyebrow. "Maybe I am a Jedi master."  
  
Desire' pouts. "That's not fair."  
  
Jonathan puts his arm around Desire'. "Don't cry Love Muffin. It was probably a defective bullet that was made with meteor rocks."  
  
Clark makes a face. "Dad? Why are you calling her Love Muffin?"  
  
Jonathan kisses Desire' on the fore head. "Because she has me under her pheromone seduction spell, and I call her what ever the Pretty Little Lady wants."  
  
Desire' smiles triumphantly. "That's right. I'm the Prettiest."  
  
Clark shakes his head. "Your wrong there! I'm the Prettiest!"  
  
Desire' bursts out laughing. Lex and Jonathan look at each other questioningly.  
  
Lex rubs his neck uneasily. "Clark, I know that you're hot, and many women across the world think you're yummy, but you are not the prettiest. Desire' is."  
  
Jonathan nods sadly. "Although I hate Lex with an undying passion, I have to agree with him there. Desire' is the prettiest."  
  
Clark makes a face that makes him look like a puppy who has just gotten kicked. "But I'm the prettiest! I'm tall dark and handsome, and can shoot fire out of my eyes. All I'm missing is the blue tights!"  
  
Jonathan motions to Desire'. "Son, she is a sweat drenched, pheromone producing, adulterating, Sex Kitten. Unless you have seduced Lana, Chloe, and Victoria with your abilities and coerced them into doing things they usually wouldn't do, well son I don't think you can compete with Desire'. She's way past your level of capability's."  
  
Lex nods. "Plus she has fake boob's and collagen enhanced lips. The incredibly short dresses help too."  
  
Desire' glares accusingly. "You should be talking. I bet you have had some "advancement's" yourself. You are a play boy billionaire."  
  
Lex razes his hands in defense. "Hey, I'm all natural Sexy Lexy." Desire' sticks out her lower lip in a pout. "But your still the Prettiest Sugar Plumb, even if you are mostly fake."  
  
Clark's mouth drops open. "Lex! You're my best friend. Your suppose to be supportive!"  
  
Les shrugs. "Sorry Clark. Wife comes before buddies. When you get captured, I mean married, you will know what I mean."  
  
Desire' gently pats Clark on the head. "Face it Clark Bar. I not only took your best friend away from you, I also managed to make your father an adulterer. So when I'm done, your dad will have killed Lex. And as a bonus, your mom will kill your dad for cheating on her. Mawhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh and by the way, I'm the prettiest."  
  
Clark collapses to his knees, and raises his head to the heavens in agony. "NOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Suddenly a flash of lightning and a puff of smoke appear. Jonathan, Lex, Desire', and Clark shield there eyes. When the smoke fades, and they unshielded there eyes they see a tall dark haired man in a sweeping cloak, a man in leather and on a motor cycle, Mandy Moor and Kelly Osborn.  
  
The man in the Cloak stepped forward and swept the Cloak back over his shoulder. "Have no fear Clark Kent other wise known as The Prettiest. I, Alan Rickman, The Sex God, and Lord Byron aka Mad Bad And Dangerous To Know, and The Goddesses of Cruelty in training, Mandy More and Kelly Osborn are hear to rescue you!"  
  
Clark scratches his head. "Um, I don't want to offend any of you and incur the wrath of any Gods, but besides Mandy More and Kelly Osborn, I haven't heard of any of you."  
  
Alan Rickman knits his eyebrows. "What the Bloody Hell are you talking about. You just met me two episodes ago and Lord Byron just last episode. You can't be that much of a jarhead to not know who we are. Are you really a blond masquerading as a brunette?"  
  
Clark shrugs his shoulders. "Sorry?"  
  
Alan turns to Lex. "What about you Sex Demigod? You must remember us from the last two episodes, you're the smart one, and your bald."  
  
Lex shakes his head. "I've never seen you before in my life. On second thought your Cloak strikes me as being familiar. Were you in The Lord Of The Rings?"  
  
Alan sighs and puts his hand in his head. "No. I am Professor Snape in the Harry Potter movies." Realization strikes the occupants of the room. Alan throws his hands up in the air in frustration. "Bloody! Hell! Do I have to go through this every single time I appear?! I'm a legendary British actor who has an extraordinary range of acting ability, and all people remember me from is HARRY POTTER? It was bad enough with Ian . . . "  
  
Clark raises his hand. "Who's Ian?"  
  
Alan stops himself from ranting and stares puzzled at Clark and then looks questioningly at his companions. "What the Bloody Hell is going on?"  
  
Lord Byron shrugs. Kelly lifts her hands. "Hey man. It's our first appearance. We're goddesses in training and were only hear to kick plastic tits ass for seducing our bald Sexy Lexy."  
  
Alan rolls his eyes. "Riiiiiiiight."  
  
Suddenly Desire' is beside Alan. She smiles seductively into his eyes and her hands disappear beneath his Cloak. She breathes heavily into his mouth, the same way she seduced every other man. "You have a very seductive voice. So tell me, Alan, are you rich? Because if you are, I'm soo hot for you."  
  
Alan glares down at her in disgust. "Miss, I have two words for you, breath mints. Also get your slimy hands off of me." Desire' sticks her lower lip out in a pout. "Don't you try that poutiness on me, I'm a God."  
  
Lex crosses his arms. "Um. No offence Mr. God, but wouldn't I be The Sex God? I am bald you know."  
  
Alan stares without blinking at Lex for several moments. "What the Bloody Hell is going on here?"  
  
A loud booming voice answers from above. "You are in the wrong episode."  
  
Every one in the room freezes. Clark looks awestricken. "Is that you God?"  
  
A man enters through the doors, his voice still booms through the walls. "No I am Holio Blackheart Lord of Darkness."  
  
Everyone in the room looks puzzled. "What?"  
  
Holio continues. "I am more commonly known as the Script Supervisor."  
  
Desire' twists a lock of hair between her fingers. "A scripty whata?"  
  
Holio sighs. "I am in charge of continuity. You know, making sure all the lines are said at the right place and that every thing on set stays in place throughout the shooting of the episode."  
  
Lord Byron crosses his arms and looks smug. "If you're the Script supervisor, then why is your name spelled wrong? It should be Julio not Holio."  
  
Holio's voice suddenly loses the booming amplification. "Yes, but I'm a geeky white man from an American suburb. Therefore, I spell it like in sounds in English."  
  
Lex smirks. "You can't be the Lord of Darkness. My father already has that title."  
  
Holio rolls his eyes. "NO! Your father is the PRINCE of Darkness aka Satin, Lucifer, The Devil. I am the LORD of Darkness which means I pull demons out of my chest and throw them at Actors who forget their lines, LEX!!!"  
  
Mandy and Kelly giggle evilly. Mandy nudges Kelly in the ribs. "Looks like Howard Stern spiked someone's Red Bull!"  
  
Kelly cackles evilly. "Red Bull!! It gives you demonic wings!"  
  
Lex ignores the girls making wise cracks. "Are you saying I forget my lines? I'm Lex F'ing Luthor, I do not forget anything, HOLIO!"  
  
Holio puffs up his chest. "I'm the F'ing Script Supervisor. I notice everything. In Jitters, you had a line that summed up your relation ship with your father. You forgot it every time. Plus your head sometimes has a five 'o clock shadow!!"  
  
"Jitters was Last. Year. The line I was suppose to say was 'Gee Dad, I've learned a valuable lesson. So when YOU are taken hostage by some meteor rock freak of the week who ransoms your life for something as simple as Antidepressants, I will remember that the Luthors don't negotiate with 'terrorists'." Lex raises his hands and makes quote marks in the air. "Then I will leave your unloving, cheap hairy ass to be killed by said meteor rock freak of the week. You know, you are the reason I turn evil and try on numerous occasions to kill my best friend! I hate you!" It didn't go with my character and it was cut out of the script. As for my head having a five o' clock shadow, I'M BALD!! I can't have a five o' clock shadow."  
  
Clark clears his thought. "As interesting as this may be, I'm really freaked out. This goes beyond Smallville weird. Lex is married, my dad's cheating on my mom, the bullet I was suppose to melt into nothing stops in mid air for no reason and then disappears, Alan Rickman, Lord Byron, Mandy Moor and Kelly Osborn show up and claim to know Lex and me, and then a man who can rip demons out of his chest and throw them at people shows up claiming to be a Script Supervisor. I want some explanations and I want them now."  
  
Lex starts. "I'm under the pheromone spell of the meteor rock freak of the week."  
  
Jonathan chimes in. "Ditto."  
  
Desire' smiles innocently. "I'm said meteor rock freak of the week. Also the Big Bad Girl of the week too."  
  
Clark turns to the Gods. "What about you?"  
  
Alan rolls his eyes disdainfully. "Shouldn't a demon throwing Script Supervisor go before Gods?"  
  
Clark shrugs and turns to Holio. "So how about you?"  
  
Holio puffs up his chest. "I am here because the continuity of the show is at stake."  
  
Lex groans. "What the F--- is that suppose to mean?"  
  
Holio glares at Lex. "It means that they," pointing to the Gods. "Are not supposed to show up yet. There appearance is later in the year. And stop cussing. This is a family show."  
  
"Why don't you F'ing make me HOLIO!" Holio plunges his hand into his chest and rips out a demon. He then throws it at Lex. Lex ducks as the demon fly's past him and out the window. Everyone is stunned. "Did he just throw a Demon. At. My. Head?"  
  
Clark nods numbly. "I think so."  
  
Holio takes on a superior air. "Now as I was saying before the Bald Idiot interrupted me, this episode is a rerun. In normal space, where you gods come from, it is a week after your last intervention. However, in Smallville space it is only the second episode. Hence, this is a rerun. In fact there will not be another new episode until January."  
  
Kelly shakes her head. "I F'ing hate reruns. They F'ing bite."  
  
Alan shakes his head. "Holio, the deities are not happy. They do not approve of reruns and are most upset."  
  
Holio shrugs. "Hey I'm not the one who invented them. Besides, the network didn't order enough episodes to fill the entire season."  
  
Lord Byron grumbles. "So what are we suppose to do?"  
  
Holio scratches his chin. "Well, you could take a month's vacation or you could create a vortex where no matter what episode you are in the characters conform to your space and know who you are."  
  
Kelly smiles evilly. "That means we can F'ing go back to last season and F'ing kick Victoria's F'ing British ass."  
  
Mandy nods in agreement. "That's right. No one hurt's our Sexy Lexy and gets away with it."  
  
Alan sighs heavily. "I think a vortex will work out just fine. Is there anything else we should know Holio?"  
  
"Nothing that I can think of."  
  
Desire' slinks up to Holio and is pouting. "What about the bullet that was suppose to kill my Lexy Poo? And my pink pheromone breathe?"  
  
Clark chimes in. "And my newly, and conveniently, developed eye rays?"  
  
Holio groans as if he were annoyed. "This is a rerun, the special effects sometimes don't work properly."  
  
Desire' frowns and begins pout. "Oh."  
  
Lex smiles thoughtfully. "Dose that mean we aren't under her spell anymore?"  
  
Holio acts as if he is talking to a stupid child. "Yes. It. Means. That. Desire'. Cannot. Seduce. Any. Men. With. Her. Pheromone. Mutation."  
  
Jonathan sighs heavily. "Well that's a relief. Maybe Martha won't run me over with the tractor."  
  
Lex smiles smugly at Holio. "Is that everything you needed to tell us?"  
  
"Yes. Lex. It. Is."  
  
"Good." Lex turns to Jonathan. "Mr. Kent, may I borrow your shot gun?"  
  
Jonathan eyes him suspiciously. "Are you going to try and shoot me or my Love muff.. I mean Desire'?  
  
"No."  
  
Jonathan considers it for a moment, and then shrugs. "Ok."  
  
Jonathan tosses his rifle to Lex. In one smooth motion Lex catches the rifle with one hand, takes aim using his other hand to steady the rifle, and shoots Holio. Holio grabs his chest and dramatically falls to the floor dead. Lex then tosses the rifle back to Jonathan. "Thanks."  
  
The occupants stare at the dead Script Supervisor. Clark glances at Lex uncertainly. "Lex, you shot him."  
  
Lex shrugs. "It was self defense."  
  
Jonathan snorts. "Like how you shot Nixon in self defense?"  
  
"He was going to kill you. If you died, Clark and Martha would have to sell the farm and move away, leaving me with only my blind hateful father to keep me company. It was self defense, even if it was only my sanity I was defending."  
  
Alan nudges Holio with his foot. "And Him?"  
  
"He. Through. A. Demon. At. My. Head."  
  
After a second of consideration, everyone accepts Lexes answer. Mandy smiles seductively at Lex and licks her lips. "I love a man who knows how to handle his gun."  
  
Kelly groans. "Mandy, we're F'ing Goddesses Of Cruelty In Training, not F'ing Sex Sirens. And besides, hearing something like that from YOU is F'ing disturbing."  
  
Mandy frowns. "I can be a sex symbol."  
  
Kelly try's to contain laughter. "Right, and F'ing Cristina I'm-A-Slut is a F'ing good role model for young girls."  
  
"You have a point there."  
  
Alan turns to the goddesses in training. "Girls can we not use so many cuss words? We are on a family show."  
  
Kelly scoffs at Alan. "My F'ing Family has an F'ing family show and we F'ing cuss all the F'ing time."  
  
Holio suddenly sits up and answers. "Yes but this is network television not cable, the censors would be on us faster than a slut on Lex."  
  
Lex growls angrily. "Why aren't you dead?"  
  
Holio smiles evilly. "Because the rifle is full of blanks you bald moron."  
  
Lex is about to start another round of arguing but Clark clears his voice loudly. "Guys, we are way off track. We need to subdue the Big Bad Girl, and restore my title as The Prettiest."  
  
Desire' smirks. "Too late. Without the special effects you can't do any thing to me."  
  
Alan sweeps the room with his hands. "The scene is all wrong. Jonathan is suppose to be knocked out, Lex should be a big bald ball of fire, and Desire' should have forth degree burns on her right hand."  
  
Clark shrugs. "Well, then let's do it."  
  
Lex shakes his head. "But without special effects, how are we going to do that?"  
  
Holio smirks triumphantly. "I can play narrator and special effects." Lex makes a face that makes him look like he's thinking 'What the F---?' The others in the room, however, agree that it's a good idea. Holio crakes his fingers and lifts his arms as if he were a conductor getting ready to conduct a symphony. "Every one to their places!" Clark goes back to the door way, the gods to the corner and out of the way, Desire' and Jonathan to there places. Lex, however, stays put and glares at Holio. Holio glares back. "Lex get in your place."  
  
Lex eyes Holio distrustfully. "What makes me think that with you at the helm of the plot line you wont just kill us all off?"  
  
Holio sighs. "Because its not in your contract to die, and in a few episodes you will get kidnapped and I am the one who gets to rip the duck tape, which the Big Bad Person of the week uses to restrain you and she uses it generously, off of you thus causing you much pain."  
  
Lex gulps audibly and then nods. "All right."  
  
When Lex gets into position Holio begins to talk overdramatically. The people in the room follow along to what he is saying. "So! Desire' has seduced Jonathan into killing Lex for her. Jonathan takes aim at the young bald idiot," Lex groans. "Just then, Clark busts into the room. But alas! He is too late. Or is he? As Jonathan shoots his rifle, and Lex tries to duck, attempting to preserve his life like the pansy ass he his, Clark uses his newly, and conveniently, developed eye rays to melt the bullet in the air." Holio goes to the area where the bullet had been and makes noises imitating a bullet melting. "Lex falls to the ground hard. Jonathan comes over to get a better shot at the whining pussy of a man." Lex glares daggers at Holio. "But alas! Clark is there and moves to stop his Holy Rage filled father. As they struggle for the gun, resulting in the brave Jonathan getting knocked out, Lex stuns the audience by growing a pair." Another hate filled glare. "He stalks over to Desire' to become the newest member of Wife Beaters Anonymous, but at the last minuet he chickens out as his goddess like wife smashes a bottle of alcohol over his back and then sets him on fire!"  
  
Lex suddenly turns around to face Holio. "Now! Wait! One! Minuet!!!" His protest is cut off by Desire' smashing the bottle into him and setting him on fire.  
  
Holio smiles evilly. "Mwahahahahahahah!!! The Goddess Of Seduction, Desire' quickly makes her way to the door and her freedom as Lex cry's like a baby and runs around like a chicken with his head cut off." If Lex weren't too busy trying to put the fire on his back out, he would have glared hatefully and flicked Holio The Bird. Clark, however, glares for him, but dose not flick The Bird. Holio sighs heavily at Clarks glare. "Fine. Clark quickly accesses the situation and heats up the door handle with his eye rays so that when the Lovely Desire' touches it, she will burn her hand." Holio tries to hold back tears. "Then Clark saves the day and rushes over to his Gay Lover . . ." Clark glares and clears his through. "Fine. Fine. His Completely Nonsexual Related Best Friend and putts out the fire on the spineless chickens back. Just then, Poor Desire' tries to escape but burns her hand on the doorknob. Every thing seems to be back to normal . . . But Wait! A flash of lightning and a puff of smoke appear!! It is The Goddess Of Sticky Sweetness and Goddess Of Sam's Club Size Cans Of Whoop Asses Gun Men, and Gun Women in training."  
  
Alan raises his hands, makes Spirit Fingers and dully speaks. "Poof."  
  
Holio stands back proudly and crosses his arms. "And thus my work hear is done."  
  
Lex snarls from under the blanket Clark covered him with. "I'm. Going. To. Kill. You. Very. Slowly."  
  
"You and what army?"  
  
Alan is still speaking dully, as if he is really bored. "Thank you Holio for you narration and sound effects."  
  
Holio bows graciously and dramatically. "Your welcome Sex God. And the next time you see The Goddess Of Sticky Sweetness, will you please remind her she has my Wall Flowers CD and that I would like to have it back."  
  
Alan winces. "Good lord man No! You ask her yourself. She can turn into the Bitch Goddess on you instead of me! I'm not that eager to die!"  
  
"Well neither am I." Holio turns to leave, but an evil grin spreads across his face. He quickly rips a demon out of his chest, turns, and throws it at Lex. Instead of hitting Lex, however, it hits Clark and he is thrown back into the wall. "Bwahahahahahahahahah!!!" Holio then runs out of the room cackling evilly.  
  
Clark disentangles himself from the demon and throws it throw the window. He then takes a classic hero stance and lifts his chin. "That was not funny."  
  
Mandy and Kelly, however, obviously thought it was, because they are now holding their stomachs, and rolling on the floor with evil cackles.  
  
Lord Byron yawns with boredom. "Can we do what we came here to do and leave? I buzz is starting to where off."  
  
Alan nods in agreement. "Ah yes. Testing the Goddesses Of Cruelty In Training and restoring Clark's tile." He turns to Mandy and Kelly. "Lady's, do your worst."  
  
Mandy and Kelly smile evilly. They then attack Desire'. She cries out for help but gets none as a dust cloud envelops the three women. Screaming and cackling can be herd for several minuets.  
  
Lex slowly rises to his feet, with the help of Clark, and stares at the ball of dust in horror. "What are they doing to her?"  
  
Alan smiles knowingly. "You'll see."  
  
Suddenly the cloud of dust disappears and the three women reappear. Lex recoils as he sees Desire'. "Good Lord Almighty! What the Hell is that discussing thing?"  
  
Kelly smiles triumphantly. "That is your wife Desire'"  
  
Lex recoils and hides his head under the blanket that is still wrapped around him. Mandy giggles. "We turned her into her worst nightmare. John Ashcroft." Mandy then hands Desire' a hand mirror that appeared from nowhere. Desire' screams and falls to the floor sobbing.  
  
Lex cautiously takes another look, and relaxes visibly. "Oh, now he . . . she . . . it looks familiar." He thinks for a moment. "Could you do that to Victoria?"  
  
Mandy and Kelly nod and respond in unison. "Hell yeah!"  
  
Lex smiles evilly. "Cool."  
  
Alan surveys the work done by the two girls and smiles proudly. "Well done girls, at this rate you'll be full fledged Goddesses of Cruelty in no time."  
  
Mandy smiles widely. "Oh! Can we do Spear Brittany and Cristina I'm-A-Slut next?"  
  
Kelly shakes her head. "F--- no! Were going after my F'ing brother next."  
  
Alan lifts his hands for silence and the girls immediately stop talking. "We will get to all of your enemies, in time. But we still have work to do." Alan turns too Lex. "Lex do you now think that Desire' is The Prettiest?"  
  
Lex looks distastefully at the crying mass writhing on the floor. "No. That is definitely not The Prettiest."  
  
Alan smiles ant turns to Jonathan who is still knocked out. Alan snaps his fingers and Jonathan immediately wakes up. "And you Jonathan. Do you think Desire' is still the prettiest?"  
  
Desire' looks at Jonathan hopefully. She smiles and begins to breath heavily in his direction. Jonathan however recoils and draws himself into the fetal position. "NO! Get it away! Get it AWAY!!!"  
  
Mandy and Kelly Burst into evil snickers and high five each other and Desire' collapses into crying fits.  
  
Alan then turns to Clark and smiles. "Your title of The Prettiest is restored."  
  
Clark smiles. "Hooray! I'm The Prettiest!"  
  
Alan nods. "Yes you are." Alan then bows to Clark and Lex. " Fare well Clark aka The Prettiest. Fare well Lex The Sex Demigod."  
  
Lord Byron sighs in a growl. "Thank GOD! I'm starving, and I need a drink. Maybe a good bar fight too!"  
  
Lex suddenly has a puzzled look on his face. "Alan. If I'm the Sex Demigod, and I annul the marriage to Desire', dose that mean I can have groupies?"  
  
Alan furrows his brow for a second then nods. "I suppose you can have groupies. You are bald after all."  
  
Lex smiles, lifts both of this hands and snaps. Several scantily clad women appear and drape themselves over Lex. "It's good to be the Demigod."  
  
Alan rolls his eyes. Suddenly a flash of light appears and the Gods are gone. Clark turns to Lex. "Looks like another near death experience for you Lex. My father tries to shoot you and then your wife sets you on fire."  
  
Lex shakes his head. "Not going there Clark." There is silence for a moment. "Clark, when did you develop eye rays? X-ray vision is one thing but eye rays? If you squint any more you might have serious eye problems. Plus women don't want to date men who squint at them. It makes them nervous."  
  
Clark's eyes go wide and he slowly backs away from Lex. "I haven't developed eye rays or x-ray vision. I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
Lex stares blankly at Clark. "Clark, have I ever told you, you are a horrible liar? "  
  
Clark adverts his eyes from Lexes. "I'm not lying."  
  
Lex is still staring blankly at Clark. "Sure."  
  
Jonathan breaks the silence. "So! How about we take Desire' down to the station and then meet at the watering hole for some grub?" Clark and Lex stare blankly at Jonathan for a moment until Jonathan realizes what he just said. "Sorry. Dukes of Hazard moment."  
  
Clark smiles unbelievingly. "Right dad."  
  
Jonathan wraps his arm around Lex in a seemingly friendly gesture. "So Lex, what were you saying about hitting on my wife?" Lexes face fills with terror.  
  
  
  
And thus tranquility, or what passes for it, is restored to Smallville. Clark is once again The Prettiest. Lex recovers from his traumatic love experience and is careful about who he let's into his heart . . . which probably is just another reason why the poor man goes evil. He needs a hug . . . anyway, everything is back to the status quo. The end.  
  
  
  
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . 


	4. Duplicity

I don't own anything in connection to Smallville, Samuel L. Jackson, the NAACP, the Black Panthers or Jesse Jackson. I also mean no disrespect to anyone who appears in my fanfic's. Everything else is my own weird imagination. Holio Blackheart, Mir Jenkins and Cherry Winters, however, are all mine!!! Mwahahahaha!  
  
Authors note: sorry it took so long getting this out. But have no fear, Pete The Black Super Hero is here. This one is for Pete, though he, as always, has little to no lines. Plus, Clark was SO stealing all the scenes with his o-so-tight T-Shirts. Needless to say, with Clark, Lex AND Pete, the plot line is completely forgotten. (Shivers, "Oooooooooo!") Thanks for the R&R and enjoy!! **************************************************************************** ***********  
  
Dr. Hamilton waved the needle menacingly at Pete. "If you don't tell me who owns that ship I will inject you with pure liquid meteor rock extract, my own recipe."  
  
Pete puffs up his chest in defiance. "You can stick that thing where ever you want too, but I'm still not going to tell you. Biotch!!"  
  
COMERTIAL . . . . . . . . . .  
  
Somewhere in the Galaxy two Deities are NOT HAPPY.  
  
"ARRRRRRRRR! I hate commercials! Fast-forward it! Fast-forward it!"  
  
"The remote wont work!!!! Blast it!!!"  
  
"What is the use of being Goddesses if we can't even control the F'ing TV?"  
  
"Because Producers and evil people run the TV. Even we are powerless against the evil forces of Producers and their money."  
  
"ARRRRRRRRRR!"  
  
"ARRRRRRRRRR!"  
  
END COMERTIAL . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
  
Dr. Hamilton holds the needle menacingly. He slowly moves the needle towards Pete's neck. Nothing happens. Dr. Hamilton sighs. Obviously, he expected something to happen.  
  
Pete glares at the doctor. "What are you waiting for? Are you going to inject me with the meteor liquid extract or not?"  
  
Hamilton points a twitching hand accusingly at Pete and then at the door. "Someone missed their cue!"  
  
From outside a sudden curse is heard. Clark's voice drifts in through the wall. "Sorry!"  
  
Hamilton turns back to Pete and brandishes the needle menacingly. He shouts so that Clark can hear from outside. "END COMERTIAL! Dr. Hamilton slowly brings the needle closer to Pete's neck!"  
  
The wall of the lab/barn bursts open, spewing large shards of wood all over the lab. Clark enters and glares at Dr. Hamilton. "Let him go you Bad Bad Man!!!"  
  
Hamilton does a standard Bad Guy glare, with a hint of crazy. "Not until he tells me what he knows!! Black Men should not lie to each other when they are in a state like Kansas."  
  
Pete tries desperately to move his neck out of Dr. Hamilton's reach. "Yeah. But you're a crazy Black Man! You don't count!"  
  
"We are the only Black Men in the town. Well, we are the only ones who have any airtime at any rate! We should stick together, not tare each other down!"  
  
"Says the man who tied his fellow Back Man to a chair and is going to inject him with creepy green stuff!"  
  
Hamilton growls and tries to steady his hand so he can inject Pete. Clark squints his eyes and the needle begins to heat up. Suddenly the stream of fire sputters. Clark tries to keep it under control but instead, sets Pete on fire.  
  
Pete's eyes bug out and he starts blowing on the flame attempting to put it out. "Black man on fire!"  
  
Hamilton jumps back and then pats the fire out. "What the hell! Are you killing your friend so I don't have to? You know he's not going to tell me anything. No use in finishing him off for me."  
  
Clark is squinting at the floor trying to make his eye rays work. "My eye rays! I can't get them to work any more. Did the special effects go out again?"  
  
Hamilton throws his hands up in frustration and moans angrily. "I have never been so disgusted with anything in my whole life. I am a great personality; I can't work under these conditions! First you forget your entrance, and then the special effects stop working. What next?"  
  
Clark shrugs. "I don't know. It IS a rerun."  
  
Just then Lex and his father Lionel, and a few groupies draping off of Lex, enter through the hole in the lab/barn. Lex sees Clark, Pete, and Dr. Hamilton and stops dead in his tracks. Clark opens his mouth to say something as he glances worriedly back at the two Black Men.  
  
Lex, however, beats him to it. "Dad, I think we are a little early."  
  
Lionel scratches his chin thoughtfully. "Are the Set People not done moving the Space Ship your not supposed to see?"  
  
Lex sighs heavily. "No. Pete is still tied up."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Hamilton flings his arms about like a mad man. "That doses it! I want to talk to my agent! Screw what the script says. I will not go into the coma and have to come back at a later date! I want it to end right now! This is now the scene where I die!"  
  
Lex raises an eyebrow. "But I was looking forward to keeping you in my dungeon until you come out of your coma."  
  
"Tough!!!!"  
  
"Oo! Can I shoot you and claim self defense?"  
  
Hamilton eyes Lex suspiciously. "No you can't."  
  
"Damn."  
  
Lionel interrupts. "Lex, you threaten to shoot people to often. I'm disappointed in you."  
  
Lex mumbles under his breath. "So what else is new?"  
  
Lionel continues as if Lex hadn't said anything. "If you were stronger you would not threaten people with death, you would threaten them with something more painful, like sacrificing their newborn baby to the Gods of Capitalism. That whole incident at Club Zero is at fault. If you hadn't shot that man, then you would not threaten people idly. When will you ever learn, my Bald Freak of a son?"  
  
Lex swallows a lump of anger down, trying to repress it. "You call that trying to make amends with your son?"  
  
Lionel smiles wolfishly. "I try."  
  
A blonde head pops in the hole in the wall of the lab/barn and smiles slightly mischievously at the people inside. "Are you guys at a stopping point? Mir and I need to do touchups."  
  
The men in the room look questioningly at each other and all of them nod in approval.  
  
The blonde's smile gets bigger. She calls a "Hey Mir!" and then steps into the lab/barn. Several pieces of clothing are draped over her arm and she has an apron with large pockets on. She stands in the middle of the room, seeming to be apprising the men. Another woman joins her and is carrying along a makeup bag.  
  
Hamilton notices the woman with the makeup bag. His mouth drops open in pure astonishment. "A BLACK WOMAN!!" He then falls to his knees beside her and begins to kiss her feet. She doesn't seem to notice him.  
  
Clark eyes the two women suspiciously but he's obviously interested in them. "So do you mind if I ask you who you guys are?"  
  
The Blonde smiles sweetly but evilly. "Sure. I am Cherry Winters, the Wardrobe Mistress, and this is Mir Jenkins, the Makeup Goddess.  
  
Mir inclines her head, ignoring Dr. Hamilton at her feet. She has a "ghetto" accent. "It's pronounced Mauhr, but its spelled Mir."  
  
Clark raises an eyebrow and makes a face as if he didn't get the connection between the pronouncing and spelling of Mir's name. He then shrugs and accepts it. "Cool. What can we do for you ladies?"  
  
Cherry and Mir smile evilly. Cherry looks Clark up and down. "Well Mr. Kent, you can start by striping that shirt off."  
  
Clark's eyes go wide and he begins to blush. "What?"  
  
"You heard me, strip farm boy."  
  
Clark backs away uneasily. "Ummmm."  
  
Lex tries to swallow down laughter. "Should we leave?"  
  
Mir smirks. "Your next, my bald sexy sugar plumb."  
  
Pete chimes in. "Do what she says Clark. This might be the only time this year you have a chance on getting some."  
  
Cherry rolls her eyes. "You men have your minds in the gutter." She holds up an identical shirt to the one Clark has on. "Mr. Kent, you have been complaining about your wardrobe and I'm here to fix it."  
  
Clark's face if filled with relief. "Thank you. I know the budget is tight for wardrobe but it really makes me feel better to be able to dress in my size. I know you said that bigger shirts cost more but I feel more comfortable in XL instead of L." He tugs down at the bottom of his shirt. "And this one makes my belly button show when I raise my arms."  
  
Cherry and Mir smile knowingly and evilly. "We know."  
  
Clark smiles brightly. Then his face drops as he realizes that Cherry probably made the shirt short for that reason. Clark blushes even more brightly now. "Right."  
  
Cherry nudges Mir. "You take Fancy Pants Luthor and I'll take The Clark Bar."  
  
Mir rubs her hand together. "Then we'll switch."  
  
They both rub their hands together. "Mwahahahahahahaha!!" Then they get to work.  
  
Mir finally notices Dr. Hamilton who has latched onto her leg and is kissing it worshipingly. "What the hell are you doing?"  
  
Hamilton meets her eyes in adoration. "You are the first Black Woman I've seen in two years! I want to worship you, you magnificent Black African Goddess!"  
  
Mir slaps him up side the head. "Get your hands off me! Didn't your mama teach you better than to maul unsuspecting women?" She smacks him again. "And I ain't no Black African Goddess! I'm a Black West Indian Goddess, FOOL!!"  
  
Hamilton clutches on to her ankle and kisses it madly. "But I must have you!!"  
  
Mir is trying to keep her balance while slapping Dr. Hamilton. Her ghetto accent becomes more pronounced. "You crazy!! Crazy Black Man! Crazy Black Man! Don't you dare mess up my shoes! I'll cut ya!!"  
  
"Take me! Take me NOW!!!"  
  
Mir gets out a hairbrush and shouts her war cry. "BLACK RAGE!!!!!!!" She begins to beat Dr. Hamilton with it.  
  
Hamilton refuses to let go and grasps Mir's leg even more tightly. Clark quickly intervenes and drags Dr. Hamilton off Mir. Hamilton tries to fight Clark but Clark punches him and he goes limp.  
  
Pete grimaces distastefully down at Dr. Hamilton. "And that is why this Black Man is tied down."  
  
Mir is breathing heavily as she putts up her hairbrush. She smiles sweetly at Clark and licks her lips. "Why thank you my big strong manly man."  
  
Clark gulps and smiles sheepishly. "Your welcome."  
  
Mir then turns to a slightly startled Lex and smiles devilishly. "Your head looks shinny. You need another base coat Boo." She advances on him while pulling out the needed items from her makeup bag.  
  
Lex slightly backs away. "No offence, Mauhr, but I have issues about people touching my head."  
  
"I know." Mir then puts Lex in a chokehold and begins applying base.  
  
Lex gags and raises his hands to Mir's arm around his neck. "Your . . . Choking . . . . Me!" After a few moments he stops, noticing her gentle application of make up. "You know, this isn't too bad. I should have women touch my head more often."  
  
"Uhh Huuh."  
  
Lex squirms a little. "You know, you can let go of my neck now."  
  
"Hush Boo."  
  
"Yes Ma'am."  
  
Cherry pokes Clark in the ribs producing a startled gasp. "Off with your shirt Super Hottie."  
  
"OK." Clark takes off his shirt.  
  
Cherry shivers. "OOOOOO!! That is one fine piece of man flesh." Clark nervously eyes Cherry and wraps his arms protectively around himself. Cherry shakes herself out of her trance and hands him the shirt.  
  
Clark accepts it thankfully. He glances at the shirt tag and knits his eyebrows. "Um, Cherry, the tag looks weird. It says it's an XL but it looks like it's hand written and it looks like the real size was scratched out."  
  
Cherry shrugs innocently. "I don't know what you're talking about. It's probably the style of the company. Just try it on."  
  
Clark putts the shirt on. It is slightly tighter than the other shirt. Clark blushes and pulls down on the bottom of the shirt, which is slightly showing some skin. "Um I think this is a M not an XL."  
  
Mir cackles evilly as she applies mascara to a now free and flirting Lex. "It couldn't possibly be a M, Cherry and I picked it out ourselves." To Lex. "Look up for me Boo."  
  
Lex raises his eyebrows as he complies. "But that would mean I would have to take my eyes off you. I might go blind without the light in your eyes."  
  
Mir giggles girlishly and slaps his shoulder playfully. "Oh, you lady killer! Shut up!"  
  
Lex smiles devilishly. "No. You shut up."  
  
"You shut up."  
  
"You shut up."  
  
Lionel covers his ears at Lex's and Mir's "Cooing" and growls angrily. "Both of you shut up!!! I can't stand hearing my son being HAPPY let alone hearing him flirt with someone I will probably end up seducing anyway. You've disappointed me Lex!"  
  
Mir turns on Lionel and slaps him hard across the cheek. "Shut your mouth fool!!"  
  
Lex gazes dreamily at Mir. "You are amazing."  
  
Clark's mouth drops open. "OK, now I'm really freaked out."  
  
Cherry pats him on the shoulder. "Don't worry Clark Bar. We're artists. We're naturally eccentric. Try this shirt on it may look better."  
  
"OK. But I would just think if you two were . . . I don't know . . . well . . . I just think that you should be a little more professional, and show a little less . . . sexual harassment." Pete, Lionel, Lex, Cherry and Mir burst into laughter. "Did I say something funny?"  
  
Pete overcomes his giggles for a second. "And people wonder why Brother Man ain't getting any booty!"  
  
Cherry, Lex and Mir respond in unison. "WORD!"  
  
Lionel sneers. "Stupid F'ing farm boy. Lex, you should have picked someone better aka more evil, to be friends with. I'm disappointed in you."  
  
Mir suddenly cries her war cry "Black Rage!" and drop kicks Lionel. Lionel crumples to the floor.  
  
Lex stares at his father for a second, and then regards Mir. "I love it when women do that. It makes me feel slightly better about what happened between Victoria and him, not much, but some."  
  
Mir shrugs. "He wasn't helping the plot Boo."  
  
Clark is now shirtless again. "Do we even have a plot?"  
  
Lex rolls his eyes. "Clark, you're my best friend. The only person in the world I trust with my life. With that said: We are being sexually harassed by two devastatingly beautiful women. One of witch is a Black Woman. Personally, that's plenty of plot for me. So, Shut! Up!"  
  
"But . . ."  
  
"Clark! I, like Dr. Hamilton, have not seen a Black Woman since I was banished to this charming cow town. Furthermore, this town offers nothing in the way of real women. In other words," Lex begins rapping. "I like big butts and I cannot lie." Clark, Mir, Cherry, and Pete stare blankly at Lex. Lex rolls his eyes and quickly changes the subject. "So, Cherry, do I get a tight sexy shirt like Clark?"  
  
Cherry grins. "Yes Lex, you do." Cherry notices Clark is still shirtless. "You, put the shirt on." Clark obeys as Cherry appraises Lex's attire. She then quickly loosens Lex's tie and unbuttons the top button on his shirt, exposing his neck. She then steps back to admire her work. "Perfect."  
  
Lex raises an eyebrow and swallows hard, moving his Adam's apple. Both Mir and Cherry shiver. "OOOOOOO!"  
  
Mir pats Cherry on the back. "My friend. You are a genius."  
  
Cherry nods in agreement. "I know."  
  
"If only you could have done something with Whitney to make him look less . . . Whitney like."  
  
"Mir, even geniuses have hopeless cases."  
  
Lex looks very confused. "Um, ladies, I don't want to sound like a Pre- Madonna, but you just unbuttoned my shirt. What could possibly be sexy about that?"  
  
Cherry looks horrified. "Lex, you are the Sex Demigod, you already ooze sex appeal far greater than any mortal man. If I were to expose any more skin, the pure sexiness of your pale bald flesh would put women across the world in to orgasmic seizures. Not only would it be not fair, but also husbands and boyfriends across the world would be very, Very jealous. I just couldn't, in good conscious, do that to the world."  
  
Lex stares at Cherry for several moments. "Right."  
  
Clark has the shirt over his head. It is covering his arms and head with only his hands and mouth sticking out and is struggling to get it all the way on. It looks as if the shirt is way too tight. "Um . . . Ladies? I can't get the shirt on, and I think I'm stuck."  
  
Cherry holds back giggles. "Let me help." She reaches up to the shirt but is unable to reach it. She gets an idea and smirks evilly. "On your knees Superman!"  
  
Clark freezes. "What?!"  
  
Mir smirks. "The things you hear when you don't have a gun."  
  
Lex smirks too. "Or an alibi."  
  
Cherry rolls her eyes. "You heard me, On your knees Superman!"  
  
Clark tries to back away. "Ummm . . . ."  
  
Mir runs a finger over Lex's jaw line. "You know, you're hot when you're evil."  
  
Lex grins at Mir. "So are you."  
  
Cherry barely manages to keep Clark from bumping into a table. "Cark, your like six foot six, I am four foot nine. I can barely reach your waist let alone help you put a shirt on. So you need to kneel down for me."  
  
Clark stops struggling. "Oh, OK."  
  
As Clark kneels for Cherry, she grasps the shirt and pulls down using all her strength. "What did you think I was talking about?"  
  
Clark's voice is now muffled by the shirt. "Nothing."  
  
Lex and Mir are now inches away from each other. Their mouths meet and they begin kissing furiously. Slurping sounds can be heard.  
  
Clark shifts uneasily on his knees as Cherry uses all her weight to pull the shirt down. "Um, what's that slurping sound?"  
  
Cherry replies distractedly. "Mir and Lex are sucking each others faces off."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Cherry manages to pull the shirt over Clark's head. It's very tight. "There we go."  
  
Clark huffs disappointedly and tries to pull down the skintight shirt over his mid drift. "Cherry, this shirt is tighter than all the others."  
  
Cherry tries to keep from smirking. "Funny, the tag said it was an XL."  
  
Clark furrows his eyebrows and snaps at Cherry. "Well it's obviously not."  
  
Cherry just stares at Clark for a few seconds and then bursts into o-so- fake tears. "I'm sorry . . . I tried to make you happy . . . all I want is for you to look good . . ."  
  
Clark immediately goes into Clark-hero mode. He wraps his arms around Cherry and pats her head soothingly. "Don't cry. Please don't cry."  
  
"I . . . have to spend . . . all of the . . . wardrobe budget . . . on . . . Lex's expensive suits . . . and that . . . only leaves me with . . . fifty bucks . . . for the rest of the cast . . . I just spent . . . half of it . . . on your yellow T-Shirt . . . that you hate!!!!"  
  
"I don't hate it. Please stop crying. Pete, how do I make her stop crying?"  
  
Pete shrugs. "Compliment her?"  
  
"Cherry you have very nice . . . hair."  
  
Cherry just wails louder. "I'm a horrible . . . costumer! . . . I can't do anything right . . . I'm a failure . . . and . . . a loser!!!!"  
  
Clark begins to panic. "No, Cherry. Your not a loser. Just please stop crying."  
  
Lex and Mir have untangled themselves from each other and are staring at the spectacle. Lex crosses his arms and is trying desperately not to smirk. He fails miserably. "Clark did you make the nice Wardrobe lady cry?"  
  
Mir shakes her head. "And to think, I actually thought you were the good guy."  
  
Lex shakes his head too. "Clark, I'm supposed to be the evil one and I didn't make her cry. What could you have possibly said to cause such a sweet woman to cry?"  
  
Clark is lost for words. "Nothing! All I said was I wanted a bigger shirt." This produces a sudden wail from Cherry. Clark's face fills in desperate panic. "How do I make her stop crying?!!"  
  
Lex acts matter-of-factly. "Do what ever she wants."  
  
"OK." Cherry is now whimpering quietly. "Um, Cherry, I'm sorry I upset you. I think you are a great costumer. Please stop crying."  
  
Cherry shakes her head. "You don't like your T-Shirt. All I want is for you to look good!"  
  
"OK, OK. I'll stop complaining about the T-Shirt. What ever you want me to have on, I will have on."  
  
Cherry sniffs back tears. "Really?"  
  
"Really."  
  
"Promise?"  
  
"I Promise."  
  
Cherry immediately stops crying and smiles brightly. "OK."  
  
Clark becomes immediately suspicious. "Did you fake crying so I would agree to your tight shirt demands?"  
  
Cherry grins. "Yup."  
  
Clark sighs. "Your evil."  
  
Cherry shrugs. "You don't become the Wardrobe Mistress by giving into actors demands for modesty."  
  
During the past few minuets, Dr. Hamilton regained consciousness and slowly made his way to one of his tables that has a big container of liquid meteor rock extract, his own recipe, in it. Hamilton is very angry at Clark for taking him away from his Black West Indian Goddess and is out for revenge. He tosses the container at Clark and cackles evilly when the container breaks and drenches Clark in the liquid meteor rock extract, his own recipe. "Take that Super Freak!!! Bwahahahahahahahahaah!!"  
  
Clark is horrified and braces himself for the meteor rocks to take effect. Nothing happens. Clark looks puzzled. "Why am I not writhing in agony?"  
  
Pete rolls his eyes. "Because the special effects are on the fritz."  
  
Clark raises his eyebrows and half smiles. "Damn I'm lucky."  
  
Cherry stares horrified at the green tinted yellow shirt. "My masterpiece. It's ruined."  
  
Clark looks like he's about to panic. "Your not going to start crying again, are you?"  
  
Rage suddenly fills Cherry's eyes. She whirls on Dr. Hamilton and begins to slap him repeatedly. "You ruined my masterpiece! You evil man! I'm going to Bitch slap you, Pimp slap you and Bitch slap you Again. No one F's with my Costumes, Biotch!"  
  
Dr. Hamilton tries to shield himself from Cherry but fails miserably. "Don't beat the Crazy Black Man! I'm a minority! Rodney King!! Rodney King!! Black Man getting beat down!!"  
  
Suddenly, several Black People file into the lab/barn. They are all dressed in business suits and do not look happy. One man steps forward. "WE were just passing by on our way to a boycott when WE heard the tortured screams of a Black Man getting unfairly beaten by white oppressors. WE have come to offer our assistance by boycotting something, or complaining loudly."  
  
Cherry crosses her arms. "And just who are you?"  
  
The man puffs out his chest. "WE are the NAACP."  
  
Mir and Pete snort laughter. Mir snaps her fingers in the "Z" formation. "Stand back! The NAACP is in the house. Careful! Or they might boycott something!!!" she waves her hands mockingly. "OOOOOOOO!!"  
  
Pete inclines his chin. "Word."  
  
The man glares at Pete. "WE are the only reason you are even on this show. If it weren't for affirmative action, you would be a geeky white guy, not a geeky Black Man."  
  
Pete furrows his eyebrows in anger. "All you guys do is boycott or arrange sit ins. The Black Panthers are why the Black People have any rights at all. They rely on action to get their point across."  
  
Suddenly several other Black People file in. They are all dressed in army gear and have war paint on their faces. A woman steps forward. "We got an emergency alert in the Black Panther Mobile that a Black Man was using the secret code to cry for help."  
  
The man snorts in trump. "WE are taking care of it."  
  
The woman raises an eyebrow. "What are you going to do? Protest?"  
  
"If necessary. "  
  
The woman smirks sarcastically. "Well golly! We would have been here sooner but we had to threaten a politician because he said happy Klanzaa instead of Kwanzaa. And this is Kansas."  
  
"WE already staged a sit in at his home."  
  
"Which he doesn't live in."  
  
"Still."  
  
Clark shrinks behind Cherry. "I'm scared. I've never seen this many Black People in one place before."  
  
Cherry looks puzzled. "And you think I'm going to protect you? Your Clark Kent. You should be protecting me."  
  
The long forgotten Lionel stirs on the floor. "What the hell is going on? Lex, you've disappointed me."  
  
Lex's mouth drops open. "I didn't do anything!"  
  
Lionel shrugs. "Yes, but I have an entire episode of being warm and fuzzy to make up for!"  
  
The people from the NAACP and the Black Panthers back away from Lionel. The woman pulls out a gun from somewhere and points it at Lionel. "It's Whitey!!!"  
  
Lionel looks around puzzled. "Who the hell is that?"  
  
"It's Latishia from the Black Panthers."  
  
The man pips up. "And the NAACP!"  
  
Lionel sighs heavily. "Lex, how did two Black People groups get into Smallville at the same time? This is all your fault! I'm disappointed in you."  
  
Mir slaps Lionel upside the head. "Don't make me drop kick you again!!"  
  
"I'm blind. It's cruel to drop kick a disabled man."  
  
Latishia still has the gun pointed at Lionel. "Yes but your Whitey. You've been oppressing our people for generations and it is our duty to kill Whitey."  
  
Every Black Person in the room and Cherry raise there fists and shout. "Kill Whitey."  
  
Clark is still behind Cherry. "Um I don't want to get shot or anything, but I'm kind of uneducated in Black culture and, well, I have no idea what you are talking about."  
  
"I believe I can explain it to you." Every one turns to the lab/barn opening and there stands Samuel L. Jackson. He is dressed in a thirties stile dress shirt, complete with vest and pocket watch, and a kilt. He strolls forward through the other Black People, and strikes a manly pose beside Cherry and Clark. "The Deities sent me to enlighten you and any other uninformed person about Whitey."  
  
The man from the NAACP puffs his chest out. "WE do not recognize the authority of The Deities. They have Black Cabana Boys which is clearly a form of slavery which WE are opposed to."  
  
Samuel glares at the man. "We are not Cabana Boys! We are willing members in an elite organization of extremely talented and/or good-looking men! You are just angry because you are neither talented nor good looking and you don't want anyone else to have any fun!"  
  
Pete clears his throat. "I would just like to state for the record, I am a Cabana Boy and proud of it."  
  
Clark furrows his eyebrows. "Pete? You know the Deities?"  
  
"Damn right! When I'm not on screen I'm fanning them or feeding them grapes or running around the world being a Black Superhero."  
  
"But I thought you were my side kick."  
  
"Do you think I would agree to be in a Podunk town with little to no lines if I had no other means to amuse myself? Clark man, I ain't that stupid a Black man."  
  
"So, if you're a Black Superhero and a Cabana Boy to the Deities, why are you in Smallville?"  
  
Pete rolls his eyes. "Because, they needed someone to watch your back."  
  
"Oh."  
  
The man from the NAACP huffs in anger. "This will not stand. WE will protest Smallville and Boycott all of Samuel L. Jackson's movies!"  
  
Samuel snorts. "Is that supposed to scare me?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well, it doesn't!" This stops the man dead in his tracks. He looks as if it is strange for someone not to be scared when the NAACP threatens him or her. Samuel rolls his eyes ant turns back to Clark. "Where was I? Oh yes, Whitey, aka The Man, Honkie, the oppressor of the minorities, and several other unscrupulous names. Most of the time Whitey is a White Man, or White Woman, they live the all American life, either as a Good Old Boy or as a corporate dictator."  
  
Clark's eyes go wide and he audibly gulps. "OK, now I'm really scared."  
  
Samuel raises an eyebrow. "Why?"  
  
Lex answers for him. "Because that just happens to match the profile for all four White People in this room which has numerous Black People in it all shouting Kill Whitey. Several of these people also have guns."  
  
Samuel chuckles heartily before answering. "Lex that's only a ruff outline. There are other qualifying factors. In fact, you, Clark and Cherry are all not considered Whitey."  
  
Clark raises his hand timidly. "How so?"  
  
"Well, Cherry is best friends with Mir, that automatically takes her out of the Whitey possibility. Plus she's a short cute blond girl." "And Lex and me?"  
  
"Obviously, your gay lovers. Whitey hates all minorities, gays included."  
  
Clark and Lex's jaws drop to the floor at the same time. They stare at Samuel in shocked disbelief. Lex finally manages to shout. "What?!!?!?!?!"  
  
Samuel looks confused. "You know, Gay Lovers. Man on Man action."  
  
Clark is now squeezing Cherry like a teddy bear and looks very confused. "I'm too young to know what that means."  
  
Lionel growls angrily. "Lex . . . your Gay? I'm disappointed in you!"  
  
Lex ignores his father. "I'm not gay, and Clark and I are not gay lovers!"  
  
Samuel scratches his head. "But you guys have been eyeing each other for the past two years. I know you can't really show anything since it is a family show and you two are national icons but we figured that you two 'got it on' off screen."  
  
Lex shakes his head. "Clark is my friend. We're not Gay Lovers."  
  
Clark is still holding onto Cherry. "I like Lana."  
  
Suddenly Lana bursts in and is crying up a storm. "Whitney is missing in action. Boo Hoo!"  
  
Every one stares blankly at her. Clark raises an eyebrow. "Um, Lana . . . "  
  
Lex cuts him off. "This is the wrong F'ing episode you Stupid Bitch!" Lana stares in horror at Lex. It looks like she's on the verge of tears. "Go Away!!!"  
  
Lana squeaks and runs out of the room. Pete regards Lex. "You really don't like Lana do you Lex?"  
  
Lex grins evilly. "How could you tell?"  
  
Samuel sighs heavily. "This is not good. Lex, if your not Gay, they you are Whitey."  
  
Clark hugs Cherry tighter. He looks like a scared puppy that is about to be kicked. "Does that mean I'm Whitey too?"  
  
"No, you are an alien and the Ultimate Immigrant. If nothing else, you are an endangered species because there is only one of you. Whitey would want to kill you or keep you in a lab and do experiments on you." Samuel looks pointedly at Lex. "Gee, I wonder who that describes?"  
  
Lex gets defensive. "Clark is my friend. I would never try to kill him. Now, make a Kryptonite monster to kill him for me, that's a whole other subject."  
  
Samuel stares blankly at Lex. "Riiight."  
  
Lex sighs in exasperation. "Great. First I'm the spawn of Satan, now I'm Whitey. The universe is just wanting me to become evil."  
  
The man From the NAACP clears his throat. "Your also bald which makes you a skin head."  
  
"Wonderful!"  
  
Samuel raises an eyebrow. "I never said you were the spawn on Satan."  
  
Lionel smiles devilishly. "No, but I'm Lucifer, Satan, The Devil. Lex is my son which makes him the spawn of Satan."  
  
Samuel makes a face. "Well that sucks."  
  
Lex nods. "Tell me about it."  
  
"The cards keep staking up against you Lex."  
  
Clark raises his hand again. "But Whitey is suppose to be racist. Lex was making out with Mir. That would mean that he's not racist and not Whitey."  
  
The man from the NAACP turns red with anger. "You've been stealing our women too? WE are going to launch a full boycott of all Lex Corp. materials!"  
  
Lex sighs. "Thanks Clark."  
  
Mir snaps her fingers angrily at the man. "I don't know what your talking about fool but I ain't no ones woman!"  
  
Samuel furrows his eyebrows at Lex. "You've been getting it on with Mir?"  
  
Lex shrugs. He acts as if he couldn't get into any more trouble than he already is in. "The darker the berry the sweeter the juice."  
  
Samuel chuckles heartily. "Boy. If you can remember little known phrases like that then you all right!"  
  
The man from the NAACP growls. "But he's bald!!!"  
  
"Well so are you! Sit Dowwwwn NAACP man!"  
  
Latisha is playing with her gun. "Hey Ya'll, I don't know why the rest of you are hear but we were only in the area to watch the only scene with two Black People in it."  
  
The man snorts. "So are WE. WE got here first so back off Kitties."  
  
All of the Black Panther members got out their guns and cocked them. Latisha growls with distaste. "Make us pork chop!"  
  
Suddenly, Jesse Jackson comes threw the hole in the wall. He begins preaching. "Brothers and sisters! We should not be fighting amongst our selves, but united. This is a historic event in Smallville. We are the biggest congregation of Black People that has ever graced this town. Let us rejoice and be glad!"  
  
Every one on the room just stares blankly at Jesse. Lionel breaks the silence with a growl. "Great, not only are the NAACP, the Black Panthers and Samuel L. Jackson hear, but now I have to deal with Jesse Jackson too. Lex I'm disappointed in you."  
  
Jesse smiles evilly. "Back off fuzzy. I have friends in higher places than you."  
  
Mir rolls her eyes. "Jesse, since you're here for no apparent reason, could you tell us just what exactly it is you do?"  
  
There is a long silence. Jesse chuckles and smiles like a used car sales man. "Oh golly! Look at the time. I'm due in Atlanta for another court date. See ya'll latter." And with that Jesses Jackson was gone.  
  
Mir smirks. "Works every time."  
  
Suddenly, Clark falls to the ground and begins to have seizures. Pete gapes at his twitching friend. "Oh no! The Special Effects are back on and Clark is covered with liquid meteor rock extract!"  
  
Dr. Hamilton smirks. "My own recipe. Mwahahahaha!"  
  
Lex makes a faces. "But we abandoned the plot line long ago. The Special Effects should not even be on."  
  
Cherry thinks for a moment and then huffs angrily. She begins yelling at the ceiling. "Holio Jasper Blackheart! You stop tormenting the characters this instant!!"  
  
Samuel lifts an eyebrow. "Girl. You Crazy."  
  
Several demons fall from the sky. They barely miss Cherry and latch on to Lex. He yells and begins hitting the demons. Mir gets out her hairbrush and helps. Cherry gets even madder. "Don't make me come up there!" One last demon falls on Cherry. She manages to get the demon off her. She growls and stalks out of the room. Struggling noises can be heard. Then, Clark stops twitching. Cherry walks back into the room smiling brightly and patting her hands together.  
  
Lex and Mir manage to get the last demon off. Lex looks outraged. "I'm going to kill that man!"  
  
Mir suddenly begins speaking in a very refined voice. "That is not possible. You see, Holio, Cherry and Myself live in a different reality than you and Clark do. Therefore it is very hazardous to murder him. To do so would create a rift in the space time continuum thus destroying the entire universe."  
  
"Well, that sucks."  
  
Mir drops back into 'ghetto'. "Word Boo. Ain't life a bitch?"  
  
Samuel is just staring at them in disbelief. "So . . . . What about the plot?"  
  
Clark and Lex look puzzled. "What plot?"  
  
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . . 


	5. Nocturne

I do not own anything in connection to Smallville, Alan Rickman or anything else that might be owned by someone besides me. Everything else is my own weird imagination.  
  
Author's note: WASUP? I just can't seem to get caught up. I'm trying, but I have a love for books and I found a really great series that has wrapped my attention. So Smallville and the Anita Blake novels, written by Laurell K. Hamilton, are fighting for my attention. I think Smallville will win out because I'm on book six out of ten and Smallville has more episodes. Oh well.  
  
Also, I've gotten some reviews criticizing my spelling abilities. I respect you're opinions but I must say that if I, my spell checker, and one of three different proof readers don't catch it . . . . well yeah. I'm doing my best and trying to catch all the little errors but as the saying goes . . . Hukt on foniks werkt for me.  
  
Notes on the story: Yes, Chloe is really saying something. If you can figure it out, then hurray for you. The seating arrangement for the couch is as follows. From left to right: Lionel, Martha, Pete, Lex, Clark, Jonathan, Alan Rickman, Chloe.  
  
Enjoy! (Big Evil Smile)  
  
**************************************************************************** ********************  
  
Lex, Clark and Alan Rickman sit in The Talon. They are completely bored out of their heads. Apparently Lana had gone though a 'Rerun Spring Fever' craze and had rearranged the furniture in the coffee shop. There was now a very large couch on one wall that could sit several people comfortably.  
  
Lex could still not remember if the couch had been there before or if it was new. He almost didn't care because he had his groupies attending to his needs. One was massaging his neck, two doing the same to his feet, several fanning him and a few more feeding him grapes. But almost wasn't good enough.  
  
Lex growled. "Stupid Little Doe Eyed Cookie Cutter High School Student Tramp of a . . ." His curses trailed off into incoherent mumblings.  
  
Clark sighed heavily. A lone groupie massaged his shoulders. "Lex, stop insulting Lana. She's just as annoyed at the long stretch of reruns as you are. And she's my friend. I wouldn't let her say bad things about you so don't say bad things about her."  
  
"Yes Clark, but I haven't been dragging you along like some second-best-boy- toy since Kindergarten. And she stole the entire episode with her Meteor Freak Of The Week Obsessive Boy-toy. We are the main people, we should get the most air time."  
  
"Well Lex, she is kind of the leading lady. And we had our moments. I personally think you stole the episode with that little scene where your dad was playing the piano. That was pure . . . . I can't think of a word, but it was good."  
  
Lex smirks in memory. "Yeah, it's funny how I can do that. Remember that time I smashed the meter maids car in with the nine iron? I had maybe five minuets of airtime . . . but damn it was good."  
  
Alan groans. "Bloody Hell. I can't even remember what the rest of the episode was about."  
  
All three stop and try to remember the main plot of that episode. Finely they shrug their shoulders, grunt and go back to staring into space.  
  
Clark breaks the silence. "So you're not going to be mad at Lana any more?"  
  
Lex makes a face. "Hell yeah. She rearranged The Talon when it looked just fine the way it was . . . and where did this couch come from?"  
  
"I don't know but it's comfy. I could . . . almost . . . go to . . . sleep." Clark begins to snore.  
  
Lex groans. "Wonderful." A groupie comes over with a cup of coffee and hands it to Lex. He smirks up at her. "Thank you Bambi."  
  
Bambi giggles. "Your welcome."  
  
Lex gratefully sips the coffee. "It's good to be the Demigod."  
  
Clark mumbles in his sleep. "I'm the prettiest!"  
  
Lex shakes his head and sighs heavily.  
  
Alan slowly turns his head to Lex. "The couch was my doing. Since you people have no intention of rerunning this hideous episode, I used some of my Professor Snape power to conger a couch that could fit all the cast members . . . . except Lana."  
  
"You hate her too?"  
  
Alan motions to a sleeping Clark. "Lex, she is currently pining after a man who tossed The Prettiest across a yard. Not only does my loyalty to The Deities forbid me to sympathize with her, but did you see that Football Player she went after instead of Clark? Now don't get me wrong, he has attractive qualities . . . none of which I can think of right now . . ."  
  
"The jar head tied him to a Cross in the middle of a field. Not only was that cruel, but it was uncivilized. If Lana stayed with him after finding that out then well . . . Clark's my friend and I have a duty to hate all who try to hurt him. Doe Eyes be damned."  
  
Alan nods his head slowly. "Exactly. Though I think Clark never told anyone about the whole thing. In fact I think only you, Clark and the audience know. I don't even think there's room in Lana's plot line for that knowledge."  
  
Lex shrugs. "Alan, I've been hit on the head so many times in the past two years I can't remember any of Lana's plot lines. Besides, they are all stupid and involve crazy people stalking her."  
  
Alan barely inclines his chin. "Word."  
  
Lex mumbles something in return. He looks up to see Jonathan Kent stalk in to the coffee shop. "Hi Mr. Kent."  
  
Jonathan mumbles something and slumps onto the couch. Clark is jolted from his sleep and growls. "Who woke me up?"  
  
Jonathan pats his son on the shoulder. "Sorry son. Thought you were a heavy sleeper."  
  
Clark moans and immediately falls back to sleep. Jonathan turns to Lex in puzzlement. "What's up with him?"  
  
"Rerun Spring Fever. And apparently the couch is really comfy."  
  
Jonathan nods knowingly. "Oh." He then changes the subject. " It's a nice couch. I don't remember seeing it before."  
  
"You either? At least I know I'm not hallucinating . . . much." Lex smirks mockingly at Alan.  
  
Alan growls. "Well that's the last time I do anything nice for any of you people."  
  
Jonathan inclines his head. "Hey, Alan. How are you doing?"  
  
"I'd be better if I didn't have to suffer through months of reruns . . . though do you know what would make it better?" He leans in and whispers. "Southern Comfort."  
  
Jonathan smiles a Good-o'll-boy smile and pulls out a three liter bottle of whisky. "Alan, you know I always have it with me . . . especially when Clark is developing new gifts."  
  
Lex sits up and stares at the bottle. "Mr. Kent, I never knew you carried around alcohol."  
  
"Lex, there are a lot of things you don't know about me."  
  
"Obviously."  
  
Bambi saunters up with two half filled mugs of coffee and hand them to Jonathan and Alan. Jonathan nods at Bambi. "Why thank you little lady."  
  
Bambi giggles. "Your welcome cowboy."  
  
Alan is filling up the mugs with whisky. "Thank god for Southern Comfort." He leans over to fill Lex's cup but Jonathan snorts angrily. "Are we not sharing with bald billionaires today?"  
  
Jonathan growls and mumbles. "He's too young."  
  
Lex lifts an eyebrow. "Mr. Kent I'm twenty something. And besides, I've been drinking since I lost my hair."  
  
Jonathan growls again and tries to think of a viable reason to deny Lex HIS whisky. Alan sighs. "Jonathan, you don't hate Lex enough to make him go through the rest of the episode sober do you?"  
  
Jonathan thinks for a moment and then sighs heavily. "No, I may not like Lex, but I'm not a cruel, hateful, vengeful, evil person."  
  
Lex stares blankly at Jonathan. "Goody."  
  
After the whisky is pored out the three men, and one sleeping Clark, stare blankly into space. Jonathan slowly takes in the groupies around Lex and makes a face. "You know Lex, I never thought you were the type to have groupies."  
  
"Me neither, but then this whole Demigod thing started and they just kind of flocked to me. Sometimes it gets kind of boring."  
  
Alan grumbles. "Try having The Voice. I can't say a single thing with out having any woman within the range of my voice shivering with pleasure."  
  
All of Lex's groupies shiver. "OOOOOOO!"  
  
Alan rolls his eyes. "See what I mean?"  
  
Jonathan makes a face. "Can't you just tell them to go away?"  
  
Lex shrugs. "No, I just lend them out to non demigods . . . Do you want a few?"  
  
Jonathan looks uncomfortable. "I don't think it would be appropriate. I'm a farmer, and their cute little outfits might get mud on them. Plus Martha would kill me."  
  
"Two things Mr. Kent." He holds up two fingers to emphasize his point. "One . . . mud wrestling. Two . . . they wouldn't have sex with you no matter what you do, Trust me I've tried, so Martha would have no reason to kill you. And as an added bonus . . . Three . . . I have enough to go around so if Martha wants her own she can have them. She can consider it a bonus for putting up with my bastard of a father."  
  
Jonathan seems to like the mud wrestling idea. "OK." Lex snaps his fingers and several groupies that were sitting at tables saunter up. Lex just points at Jonathan and the groupies go to work. More fans start waving, the grapes are handled lovingly, and Jonathan's boots are quickly removed. The pampering begins. "I could get used to this. . . why doesn't Clark have many groupies?"  
  
"He didn't want them."  
  
Jonathan sighs and sips his 'coffee'. "Now I know I didn't intentionally raise a stupid son . . ."  
  
Alan laughs. He has already downed the first cup and is going for two. "Jonathan he is a mild mannered farm boy, soon to be a reporter, and he is The Prettiest . . ."  
  
Clark mumbles in his sleep. "I'm The Prettiest!"  
  
Alan raises an eyebrow at Clark. "Right."  
  
Out of nowhere, a very caffeine-high Chloe appears and sits next to Alan. She is bouncing with caffeine and talking very fast. "Ohmygod.DidyouseewhathappenedtothecarPetewasthrowninto?"  
  
Everyone stares blankly at her as is they couldn't understand what she is saying. The bouncing has woken Clark up. "Chloe, what are you doing?"  
  
Chloe is still bouncing. "Clark! ThecarthatthemeteorfreakoftheweektossedPeteintolikearagdollOhmygodit'ssocool . Istillcan'tbelieveyouwern'thurtbutohwelliguesssomepeopleareluckythatway."  
  
Lex is staring openmouthed at Chloe. "What The Hell Is She Saying!?"  
  
Clark shrugs as he downs his dad's 'Coffee'. Jonathan doesn't notice because he is also staring at a bouncing Chloe. Clark shrugs again. "Something about the plot line. Even with my super speed hearing, I can't understand Chloe on a caffeine high."  
  
Lex quirks an eyebrow at Clark. "Wait a minuet. You're actually admitting that you have super abilities? What about your big secret and all that?"  
  
Clark shrugs. "It's a rerun."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"And this will never make it to Air anyways, the producers wont allow it."  
  
Jonathan mutters. "Damn Producers!" He turns back to Chloe. "Um, Chloe, just how many cups of coffee have you had?"  
  
"ForbreakfastIhadoneplainonewithsugaronewithcreamonewithcreamandsugar. Formidmorningsnackihadafrapachinocappuccinomochachinoahalfandhalflatteadecaf fbutthatdidn'thelpfivemorefrapachinosacoffeeican'tpronounceapartridgeinapear tree. Ialsohadseveralpottsfromtheteacherslounge. Ifoundifyougoattherighttimeyoucanstealatleastacuportwoatatime. Petethinksit'sstealingbutthecoffeeissohorribletheteachersdon'tdrinkthatmucha nyway. OhandIhadanentierjugfromtheLexCorp.plantyouknowthosebigmassquantitycoffeemak ers?"  
  
All look to Clark for clarification. Clark shrugs. "I think it came out to 35 or 40, though I'm not sure how much coffee can be made in one of those mass quantity coffee makers at the plant."  
  
Lex's mouth drops open again. "She drank an entire one of those?"  
  
Clark nods. "Among others."  
  
Lex's expression borders on horror and awe. "Daaaaaamn!"  
  
Alan puts his hand on Chloe's head to try and stop her from bouncing. This only results in Alan's hand going up and down with her as she bounces. "SoClarkhaveyoudecidedtodumptheLanaideaandgoforsomeonewhoismoremature?"  
  
Clark raises an eyebrow. "All I got was Lana."  
  
"SureyouwouldonlypickLanaoutofmyfastspeechyouareinlovewithherandcanseeonlyhe r. SometimesIwonderwhyievenbotherwithyoubecauseyouleftmeatthedancetogosaveprett ylittleLana."  
  
Alan uses his other hand to rub his head in frustration. "How do we pacify her?"  
  
Chloe suddenly stops bouncing and shivers. "OOOOOOOOOO!!!!" She stares at Alan for a few silent seconds and then begins bouncing even more furiously. "OHMYGODYOURALANRICKMAN!!! IloveyourworkyouarelikethebestactorofalltimecanIgetaninterviewordoyounotgive them? IsawyouindangerousliaisonsandonGalaxyQuestandonDogmaandonBlowdry. MyfavorieisHarryPotteryoumakethebestProffesserSnapeandyourcloakissocoolcanIp etit?"  
  
Alan speaks very slowly so every word is drawn out. "Please be quiet."  
  
Chloe Shivers again, "OOOOOO!!!!" and stays quiet for a longer period of time. "Iloveyourvoice."  
  
"I will keep speaking if you promise that when you speak, you do so slowly."  
  
"OK!"  
  
"Good. Now . . . ." Alan keeps speaking as the other men choke down chuckles.  
  
Lex can't help but smirk. "I think we found a way to pacify the investigative reporter."  
  
Jonathan takes a long swig from his whisky bottle, still not realizing Clark drank his 'coffee'. "Thank God!"  
  
Lex holds out his Coffee cup for a refill. "If only all problems were so easy."  
  
Clark is observing Chloe, now lounging out on the couch and convulsing with shivers, and Alan who is whispering to her. "If only Pete could see this."  
  
With a gust of wind and a flash of lightning Pete appears in a black spandex suit and cape. He takes a hero stance by puffing out his chest and lifting his chin. "Did someone call for The Black Superhero?"  
  
Everyone, including Chloe, look at him in bewilderment. Lex's mouth drops open again, Jonathan takes a big swig of whisky and Clark raises an eyebrow and stifles down giggles. "Pete, what are you wearing?"  
  
Pete puffs his chest out more causing Lex, Jonathan, Alan and Chloe to burst out in giggles. Pete huffs. "It's my superhero costume. When I'm not being Clark's 'Bad-Guy-Punching-Bag' I rid the world of lies, injustice . . . And all that stuff."  
  
Clark furrows his eyebrows. "But I though you got a broken arm when the meteor freak of the week tossed you into that car."  
  
"Pete the Punching Bag did; Pete the Superhero does not get broken arms."  
  
Lex has his giggles under control now. "So why are you in your Superhero outfit? Here you're Punching-Bag-Pete."  
  
Pete shrugs. "It's a rerun."  
  
Everyone accepts his explanation and goes back to what they were doing. Pete sits beside Lex and Bambi comes over with a half-filled coffee mug for him. He makes a face at the cup just as Jonathan notices that someone drank his 'coffee'. "Clark, did you drink my Southern Comfort Coffee?"  
  
Clark raises an eyebrow. "Yeah, like three hours ago dad."  
  
Alan clears his throat. "Dose anyone have a phone book? I'm running out of material to keep Miss. Sullivan busy and someone told me once I could read a phone book and still pull of a Shakespearian mood."  
  
Lex pulls a large leather day planner from somewhere and tosses it to Alan. "Have fun."  
  
"Thanks . . ." he turns back to a drooling Chloe. "Adams, Robert E. 555- 5555 . . . "  
  
Jonathan sighs, Ignoring Lex and Alan. "Son, you know you're too young to drink that."  
  
Clark looks sheepish. "Sorry, but I already drained the cup before I realized what it was."  
  
Lex coughs something into his fist. "BullSh--!"  
  
Pete grimaces at the cup in his hands. "Why does the Black Man get cheated on the coffee?"  
  
Lex looks into Pete's cup. "It's so you can fill the rest up with whisky."  
  
Pete's face brightens. "Well, hook a brother up man!"  
  
Jonathan grimaces. "You boy's are too young to be drinking whisky!"  
  
"Well, actually Mr. Kent, in the real world we are all older than the drinking age . . . well, all except for Lana that is."  
  
Every one exchanges meaningful looks. Jonathan shrugs. "Oh, why not! Just as long as your mother doesn't find out."  
  
Everyone smiles and Bambi brings over a cup for Clark and a pot of coffee for refills. Clark speaks after downing another cup of 'coffee'. "Speaking of mom, where is she?"  
  
Lex checks his watch. "I assume she and my father are getting tormented in the helicopter."  
  
Clark sighs heavily. "Guess I should go and save them."  
  
"I wish there was a way to save your mom but not my dad."  
  
"Me too."  
  
Jonathan sighs. "Me three."  
  
Pete sighs too. "Me four."  
  
Chloe is still drooling. "OOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Five."  
  
Alan smiles evilly. "Well, I could always teleport your mother here and leave Lex's father there."  
  
Everyone brightens up. "Really?!"  
  
Alan shrugs. "Sure."  
  
Everyone speaks in unison. "DO IT!!"  
  
Alan smiles and pulls out a walky-talky looking thing and speaks into it. "Alan Rickman to Captain Picard."  
  
A voice comes back over the walky-talky. "Patrick Stewart likes sex. Next question."  
  
"Riiight."  
  
"Oh sorry. I thought I was still seducing, um, talking to Mir. What would you like Sex-God-Who-Stole-The-Title-From-Me, but I'm not jealous?"  
  
Alan ignores Picard's jab. "Captain, can you beam Mrs. Kent to the Talon for me?"  
  
"But of course you underhanded cheating Cabana Boy."  
  
Alan rolls his eyes. "Thank you. And don't call me a Cabana Boy."  
  
"Why not? Want to give up your tile?"  
  
"No, but if I'm one then your one. "  
  
Growling could be heard on the other side of the com link. "Fine! Picard out!"  
  
Alan chuckled as he put up the Walky-talky. "Ah Patrick Stewart. He always putts a smile on my face."  
  
Clark makes a face and looks questioningly at Alan. "But you two were fighting."  
  
Alan smiled widely. "And I won."  
  
Shimmering fills the room and Martha and Lionel appear next to Pete. Lionel is clinging to Martha for dear life. When Martha realizes they aren't in the helicopter she becomes puzzled. "How did we get in the Talon?"  
  
Lionel lets Martha go from a grip that could almost be seen as groping. "Talon? What? What happened?"  
  
"We were magically saved and brought to the Talon."  
  
Alan snorts. "It's called a transporter and it was only suppose to bring Mrs. Kent."  
  
Lionel smirks. "Well, it looks like I foiled another assassination plot. Martha, would you like to be my bodyguard?"  
  
Martha looks genuinely puzzled. "But I thought I was your personal assistant."  
  
Lionel thinks for a second. "Your right, same difference." There are a few moments of silence. "Lex, I'm disappointed in you."  
  
Lex downs an entire coffee cup of whisky. "What did I do now?"  
  
Lionel shrugs. "Nothing. I just haven't said it this episode yet."  
  
"Wonderful."  
  
Martha eyes widen as she sees Pete and Clark downing 'Coffee'. "Boys! What are you drinking?!"  
  
Clark gulps in fear. "It's OK mom. In the real world, we are of legal age to drink."  
  
Lex adds in matter-of-factly. "And Lana isn't."  
  
Martha is about to object but thinks better of it. "Well, as long as you are in the real world."  
  
Jonathan offers the whisky bottle to his wife. "Want some sweetie? I know dealing with Lionel can be grating on the nerves."  
  
"Why yes honey, I would love some." Bambi arrives with another coffee cup and more refills. Martha smiles brightly at Bambi. "Why thank you."  
  
Bambi giggles. "Your welcome."  
  
Clark mumbles to Lex. "She giggles a lot."  
  
Lex nods. "Yeah, but she's the most intelligent out of all my groupies."  
  
"So she gets coffee duty?"  
  
"It's more complicated than fanning or massaging."  
  
"Oh"  
  
Lionel grimaces. "Don't I get some whisky too?"  
  
Everyone replies in unison. "NO!"  
  
Lionel grumbles. "Fine, I'll just buy the coffee shop and have it make coffee only for me."  
  
Everyone ignores him.  
  
Martha downs the entire cup is one long gulp and gets a refill. She finally notices the groupies hanging all over her husband. "Jonathan Kent! I know that you do not have groupies hanging all over you!!"  
  
Jonathan looks worried. "It's OK honey, these are Lex's groupies. All that they are capable of is fanning, massaging, and feeding people grapes. Your still my only gal."  
  
Martha bristles with anger. "Women Are Touching You!!!"  
  
Lex tries to play mediator. "Martha, it's just a job for them. They aren't designed to do anything but be groupies. I've tried everything to seduce them and they resist me. I'm the Sex Demigod. If I can't get them into bed I don't think Jonathan can."  
  
"But still . . . "  
  
"You can have your own."  
  
Martha stops her argument and thinks about it. "Well Lex, I couldn't possibly . . . "  
  
"Consider it a Christmas bonus for dealing with my father and almost getting killed because of him."  
  
"OK, I suppose I need some pampering after that helicopter."  
  
Lex smiles a 'Lex smile', snaps his fingers and points at Martha. Groupies move up and begin pampering Martha. The only difference between the guys pampering and her pampering is that Martha is getting a manicure.  
  
Lionel snorts. "Don't I get groupies Lex?"  
  
"No."  
  
"But I'm your father . . . "  
  
"No."  
  
"But . . . "  
  
"NO!!!"  
  
Suddenly Lana bursts into the Talon. She is crying and is limping because she only has one high heal on. "Help Me! Help Me! The Meteor Rock Freak Of The Week is trying to get me!"  
  
Everyone just stares at her.  
  
"Help Me! Clark why aren't you helping me?"  
  
Clark stares blankly at her. "Because you made a jab at my manliness when you went ga-ga over the Meteor Freak Of The Week because he could recite poetry."  
  
"I'm sorry Clark. That was before I knew he was some sort of weirdo."  
  
Lex snorts. "And that makes a difference how?"  
  
Lana thinks for a minute. " I don't know . . . Is that a new couch? Lex, I like it, but it takes up too much room."  
  
Alan groans. "Absolute last time I do anything for you people." All the women shiver "Oooooooo". "Oh for crying out loud! I give up!"  
  
Lana stares at Alan. "Are you Alan Rickman?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Can I have you?"  
  
"What about Clark?"  
  
"Clark who?"  
  
Alan sighs and puts his head in his hand. "Oh Bloody Hell!"  
  
Lex grumbles. "And people wonder why I hate her." The Meteor Freak Of The Week bursts into the Talon and growls. Lana squeaks. "Help Me! Help Me!"  
  
Everyone just stares. Lex raises an eyebrow. "Riiight."  
  
Lana is angrily crying. "I lost my parents when I was a little girl! Everyone should pity me and be nice to me! Boo Hoo!"  
  
Everyone just stares.  
  
"And Whitney is missing in action!"  
  
Everyone is still staring.  
  
Lana stomps her foot and pouts. "I'm one of the main stars! This is my episode! Why won't anyone help me?"  
  
Lex raises an eyebrow. "Because it is a rerun."  
  
"But this is MY episode!!"  
  
Lex motions to The Meteor Rock Freak Of the week. His voice is dripping with sarcasm. "You already got prince charming. What more could you want?"  
  
"Who likes poetry." Clark adds in. He is slightly upset by this fact.  
  
Lana huffs angrily. "But that was BEFORE I found out he was a weirdo."  
  
The Meteor Freak Of The Week stalks over. He growls and hoists Lana over his shoulder. She screams and kicks but the guy doesn't notice. He growls again and runs out of the Talon with Lana over his shoulder.  
  
Everyone just stares. Clark breaks the silence. "I guess I should go after her and save her."  
  
Lex nods. "That would be the 'Clark' thing to do."  
  
Clark gets up and super runs out of the Talon. A second later he's back and angry. He slums down in his spot on the couch and downs another cup of 'coffee'.  
  
Everyone looks puzzled. Lex raises an eyebrow. "That was fast."  
  
Clark shrugs. "They made up . . . oh and they are making out in your Porsche."  
  
Lex groans and rolls his eyes. "Wonderful."  
  
Clark raises an eyebrow. He is still angry that he had to expend energy. "Would you like me to kick them out for you?"  
  
Lex huffs. "No . . . But it's my Porsche and SHE'S in it. It would be one thing if she were in it with you but she's not. And I don't want Lana germs in My Porsche."  
  
Pete shrugs. "Well Lex, it IS Lana's episode."  
  
Alan smirks. "Relax Lex, this is a family show. The worst they can do is make-out."  
  
"Not in MY Porsche, they aren't."  
  
Jonathan nods. "Lex, let her have some fun."  
  
"In MY Porsche?"  
  
Martha leans over and pats Lex on the head. "Yes Lex, in YOUR Porsche. "  
  
"But It's Lana!"  
  
Jonathan gets 'parental'. "We didn't even rerun her episode. It's only fair that Lana gets to be in a fast car with her Lover Of The Week. Besides, we get the Whisky."  
  
Lex grumbles and downs a cup of whisky. "Fine. I'll just burn that one and drive one of my other fifty sport cars." He grumbles some more.  
  
Martha gets a weird look in her eye. "Jonathan, I don't want to undermine your sense of fairness, but I don't think it's fair to let Lana have all the . . . Fun."  
  
Jonathan smirks at his wife. "Are you thinking what I think your thinking?"  
  
Martha raises an eyebrow. "Maybe."  
  
Martha and Jonathan stare at each other for a few seconds. Jonathan then jumps up, takes his wife by the hands and they rush out of the Talon giggling. Jonathan mumbles something over his shoulder to Clark about him not coming home for a few hours.  
  
Everyone watches them go in stunned silence.  
  
Alan curls his hands around the whisky bottle Jonathan left and looks at the other occupants questioningly. "Does anyone else want to split with their significant others to . . . Have fun?"  
  
Pete shrugs. "I don't have a significant other. With no Black Women in town, I can't have a girlfriend. The producers don't want to upset Whitey."  
  
Lionel huffs. "Now I know all those Black People tried to say I was . . . Whitey, but I honestly don't mind if you date some one other than a black woman . . . Just as long as it is not my son."  
  
Lex rolls his eyes and moans. "Two words dad . . . Jail Bait." He thinks for a second. "Oh, and I'm NOT GAY!!!"  
  
Lionel smiles. "That's never stopped me."  
  
"DAD!"  
  
Lionel sighs. "Fine son, I'll behave . . . for now. Mwahahahahahaha."  
  
Every one stares blankly at Lionel. Alan shakes his head and turns to Chloe. "What about you my Little Blonde Reporting Pixy?"  
  
Chloe stops drooling long enough to answer the question slowly. "I still have unresolved feelings for Clark. And besides Clark, Lex, Pete, Mr. Kent, Mr. Luthor Sr. (In a very weird and hairy way, don't ask), and every other man in Smallville, there really isn't all that much Hot Guy to look at. I must say I don't have a lot of prospects."  
  
Alan arches an eyebrow. "Riight." He turns to Clark. "And you Prettiest who can't seem to get and keep a date?"  
  
Clark grumbles. "I'm the Prettiest!"  
  
"Well that answers that . . . Lex?"  
  
Lex raises an eyebrow. "Are you crazy? With the women I've been shacking up with?"  
  
Alan smiles. "Well with no other significant others to get in the way . . . let's party!"  
  
Lionel growls. "Does no one want to know if I have a significant other? Martha perhaps?"  
  
Everyone replies in unison. "NO!"  
  
*** And thus the characters of Smallville avoid rerunning one of their least favorite episodes . . . except for the part where Lex and Lionel have the piano scene . . . but that's beside the point. ***  
  
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . 


	6. Lineage

I do not own anything in connection to Smallville, Mandy Moor, Kelly Osborn or anything else that might be owned by someone besides me. Everything else is my own weird imagination. Holio, however, is all mine! Mwahahahahahah!!  
  
Author's note: The end holds some cracked out goodness. It's Smallville. It's a parody. Ninjas come out of nowhere all the time. Really.  
  
Oh! Thanks for the R&R's. They keep me writing, so keep them coming. (Big sweet smile.)  
  
*** Holio Blackheart, the Lord of Darkness (aka, The Script Supervisor.) is back with a vengeance!!!!! It should be noted, (I forgot to do this the last time Holio appeared) that Holio looks freakishly like Tobie Maguire. Because who else can look like a geeky white man and can still pull of such sex appeal? Also gives more dynamics to the Lex/Holio feud. Riiight.  
  
Enjoy!!  
  
**************************************************************************** ***************************  
  
The Crazy Lady held up the axe to swing it at Lex. "Your father just killed you Lex!"  
  
When Lex saw the axe, his mouth dropped open. "Oh Sh--!!" The Crazy Lady came closer to make the killing blow. Lex struggled furiously to free himself from his bonds. In all that panic he couldn't help but be a little sarcastic. "The axe is a little bit overkill don't you think?"  
  
The Crazy Lady cackled. "I'm Crazy! Overkill is what I do best!"  
  
"I thought my father was what you DO best!"  
  
"Shut up and let me do my best impression of Johnny from The Shining!"  
  
"Make me Bitch!"  
  
The Crazy Lady gives a war cry and begins to swing the axe. Just in time, Lex manages to get his feet free and kick The Crazy Lady away from him. Unfortunately, he conveniently hits his head on several things and knocks himself out. An announcers voice fills the air. "Three guesses on what that means."  
  
The Crazy Lady gets up and raises an eyebrow at the unconscious Lex. "Why does he always get knocked out?"  
  
The announcer responds. "Because he can't see Clark rescue him. It would ruin the plot line and the Script Super . . . I mean the audience likes seeing him knocked out."  
  
"Wouldn't getting knocked out so much cause permanent brain damage?"  
  
"The show has hinted that he has quick healing abilities. If not, then at the very least they can use brain damage as one of the reasons Lex goes evil. By the way, aren't you suppose to be chopping him up like fire wood right now?"  
  
"Oh, right"  
  
The Crazy Lady begins to swing the axe down on Lex's body when a blur of color comes between the axe and Lex. The axe breaks into pieces and the blur runs into the wall. Now it can be seen that it is Clark, who has come to rescue his friend.  
  
The Crazy Lady stares in horror at the broken axe and then at Clark. "I don't understand. How did you . . . Lucas . . . WHAT ARE YOU?"  
  
Clark stands up and takes his 'Talking Down The Crazy Person' pose. "That's what I've been trying to tell you. There is no possible way that I can be your son."  
  
The Crazy Lady Begins to go hysterical. "But my Lucas! I was so sure! Where is he? I was so sure! Are you sure you don't want to pretend your Lucas? I can act like I'm not nuts! Really!"  
  
Clark shakes his head. "I am not your son. I love my mom and dad." The Crazy Lady bursts into tears. Clark's eyes go wide in panic. "Don't cry. Please! I don't know what to do with a hysterical, crying, crazy lady."  
  
The Crazy Lady flings herself into Clark's arms and cries on his shoulder. "My Lucas! Where is My Lucas? Boo Hoo!"  
  
Clark cautiously pats her head and sits down on the couch with her. "Don't cry Crazy Lady. You're the Big Bad Person Of The Week. I'm not supposed to comfort The Big Bad Person Of The Week. I think it's against the rules." The Crazy Lady just wails harder and buries herself even deeper into Clark's chest. Clark glances around the empty room and speaks to no one in particular. "Um, little help please?"  
  
No one answers.  
  
Lex moves on the ground and groans. "What the hell did I drink last night?" He notices he's tied up. "And who did I sleep with?"  
  
Clark tries to disengage himself from The Crazy Lady but she just wails and holds on tighter. Clark gives up trying to get free of her. "Lex. Are you all right?"  
  
Lex finally sees Clark and The Crazy Lady on the couch. "Clark? What are you doing with The Crazy Lady crying on your shoulder? She tried to kill me."  
  
Clark quickly makes up a lie and does his usual 'I'm A Horrible Liar But I'm Going To Try Any Way' act. "Well I talked The Crazy Lady out of killing you and she just fell to pieces in my arms with . . . remorse?"  
  
The Crazy Lady stopped crying long enough to be angry. "What are you talking about? I am still going to kill Lex because he is a Bad Bad Man like his father. You just stopped me when you . . ." Clark has covered The Crazy Lady's mouth with his hand and smiles nervously at Lex.  
  
Lex raises an eyebrow at Clark but then shakes his head in acceptance and ignores The Crazy Lady. "OK Clark."  
  
The Crazy Lady is still trying to say something. Clark searches his head for something that will get her mind off him being Superman without Lex getting suspicious. "Um. Crazy Lady? Do you have any other candidates for people being Lucas?" This puts The Crazy Lady back into hysterics and she buries her head into Clark's chest once again. "Oh no, I made her cry again."  
  
A flash of lightning goes through the room and Holio Blackheart, The Lord of Darkness, (aka: the Script Supervisor.) enters the room. "Ha ha! I have made my triumphant return!"  
  
Clark gets a look on his face like he knows there will be a fight and Holio will probably start it. "Hi Holio."  
  
Lex growls from the floor. "What Do You Want?!"  
  
Holio puffs out his chest. "I have come to alert you of a flaw in the continuity of this episode."  
  
Lex and Clark look around in puzzlement. Clark raises an eyebrow at Holio. "Um, I don't see any flaws. Are you feeling ok? Did the meteor rocks affect you in some way?"  
  
Holio rolls his eyes and acts condescendingly. "The flaw hasn't happened yet. I'm hear to take advantage . . . I mean, to prevent it." Holio looks at his watch. "The flaw should be happening in, five . . . . . four . . . . . three . . . . . two . . . . . one . . . . . now!"  
  
Nothing happens for a few seconds. Then, Lex's shirt disappears. Lex gasps in horror. "What the hell?"  
  
Holio puts on a 'Mock Horror' face. "Oh no!! I could not prevent the flaw!! Guess that means that I have to take the duck tape off when it's on your bare skin. Bwahahahahahahahah!!!"  
  
Lex's mouth drops open. Rage fills him. "Holio!!! You son of a Bee-otch!!! When I get my hands on you . . .. . ."  
  
"You'll what? You can't kill me. Besides I'm the Lord of Darkness and I can kick your ass Baldy!"  
  
"Arrrrrrrrrr!!!!!"  
  
Holio has an evil idea. "I know! Usually, when all the duck tape is removed, the subject will be free to move about and, say, try to kick my ass. But, If I prevent the subject from getting free, then that supplies hours of torturing fun!!!"  
  
Clark and Lex share a suspicious look. Clark tries to stall. "Um, Holio? Are you saying that you are going to try to torture Lex?"  
  
Holio rolls his eyes. "No Super Freak! I'm saying that with the help of my demons, I WILL torture the Bald Idiot."  
  
Clark gets 'super hero' like. "I wont let you!"  
  
Holio cackles with evil. "And just how do you plan to stop me? I hired The Crazy Lady to distract you while I am doing evil deeds!! Mwahahahahahahahahah!"  
  
Clark tries to get away from The Crazy Lady but she some how has acquired super strength and is holding on to Clark. She is still sobbing about her lost boy.  
  
Holio rips a demon out of his chest and throws it into the Kitchen. It returns with a big roll of duck tape. "Mwahahahahahah!!! While I rip the duck tape off of Lex, the demon will put more on!"  
  
Lex's eyes go wide. "Clark. Now would be a good time to do something unexplainable."  
  
Clark is still struggling. "Trust me Lex, I would if I could."  
  
Holio grasps the edge of a strip going across Lex's chest. "Mwahahahahaha"  
  
All the occupants of the room freeze as the announcers voice fills the room. "Will Clark get free of the Crazy Lady in time to save Lex from Holio? Will Lex be able to stand hours of duck tape torture? Will Holio just get tired of tormenting Smallville cast members and move on to Dawson's Creek? Will someone else save the Ambiguously Gay Action Duo? Find out next time on Smallville!!"  
  
Everyone in the room looks puzzled and looks around. Lex is annoyed. "How can the episode be over? Everything hasn't been resolved yet."  
  
The announcer mumbles something. "Oh, sorry. Find out after the commercial break."  
  
Lex rolls his eyes. "Wonderful."  
  
Holio huffs and pulls off the strip of duck tape.  
  
Lex screams.  
  
COMERCIAL . . . . . .  
  
Announcer's voice. "Love Alan Rickman? Love Patrick Stewart? Then your going to love this offer. Now see both undeniably sexy and voicey men in the same night at the movies. Are they in the same movie together? NO! But we are offering a once in a life time deal. See both Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and Star Trek: Nemesis in a double feature offered only by Hot Cabana Boy's Theater. Alan Rickman is the Sex God. Patrick Stewart is bald and almost runner up! See what they have to say about this extraordinary deal. ALAN- I think it's a great way to get dateless geeks to broaden their horizons to other things besides Sci-fi. PATRICK - You mean let the Parents of whiney brats have a break from Barney the purple dinosaur and Parry Hotter! ALAN - Adults like HARRY POTTER too Baldy! PATRICK - At least my movie deals with Adult Issues! ALAN - At least mine is a box office hit! PATRICK - At least I'm a main character! ALAN - Well, I'm the SEX GOD!!!! PATRICK - Thief!!! ALAN - You accuse me of stealing? On Guard you BALD STAR FREAK! PATRICK - Today is a good day to die you Shakespearian Butcherer!! ALAN - I'll Cut you to pieces you Borg Whore!! PATRICK - At least I defeated countless numbers of enemies when you have trouble with one scrawny brat with a scar!!!!!!!" Sounds of fighting can be heard. Everything goes silent. The Announcer comes back on. "So, for a limited time only see the double feature with the two greatest Cabana Boys of all time."  
  
NEXT COMERCIAL . . .  
  
"Ever get so mad you want to destroy the Luthor Empire? Has one or more of the Luthor Clan scarred you for life to the extent that you want to get back at them any way you can? We at Crazy People Corp. understand your feelings. We are now offering training in our Anti-Luthor Crazy People facilities. Learn to drug, punch, beat, chop up with sharp implements, or just blow your hated Luthor away. For a really long torture section, we offer a special training course that takes you step by step in the torture of the Luthor. It takes you all the way from first contact to upside down suspension in a straight jacket. So give us a call today and be on your way to being next week's Crazy Person and/or Big Bad Person Of The Week. Call Now. (555) 555- GO CRAZY NOW!!!!"  
  
END COMERCIAL . . . . .  
  
It's slightly later. Clark is still trying to free himself from the Crazy Lady. The Crazy Lady is still ranting about her lost boy. Holio is still happily striping duck tape from Lex. The demon is still happily applying more duck tape on. Lex is horse from screaming so much. He is not happy.  
  
Lex gasps as another strip is removed. "Clark!"  
  
Clark look like he is on the biggest guilt trip ever. "Lex!" He tries to push the Crazy Lady aside. "Let Me Go You Crazy Lady!"  
  
The Crazy Lady just wails more. "My son! What did he do with my son?"  
  
Holio leans over Lex and whispers. "Scream for me."  
  
This stops everything in the room. Clark makes a face. "Why did you just use a line from X-MEN? This is Superman. Marvel and DC don't mix."  
  
Holio huffs. "X-MEN is my favorite movie. And it makes more sense than 'Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?' Cut me some slack here."  
  
"Still."  
  
"Well at least I'm not making comments on how Jean and Scott like your being."  
  
Lex squints and talks hoarsely. "What are you talking about you paranoid delusional Marvel freak?"  
  
Holio rolls his eyes. "Oh come on! Whenever Jean is in trouble, Scott always yells "Jean!!!" and when ever Scott is in trouble Jean always yells "Scott!!!". You know, JJJJEEEEAAAAANNNNN!!!!!!!! SSSSSSCCCCCOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Lex makes a face. "Your crazy."  
  
"Yeah, well this would be a lot more fun if you were hairy."  
  
"Bite! ME!!!"  
  
"No, I might get an STD!"  
  
"AAAAARRRRRRR!!!!"  
  
Suddenly, Lana bursts in. "Whitney is missing in action!!!! BOO! HOO!"  
  
Everyone just stares at her. Clark raises an eyebrow. "Um, Lana. Wrong episode."  
  
Lana angrily stomps a foot. "Well what else am I suppose to complain about? My pity party has always been based off of the fact that my parents died in the meteor shower. Not only dose it give me more lines but it adds to Clark's guilt for being born. Now, I'm a bastard of THE Original Family. My mom had an affair and my dad's still alive. No more complaining about the shower. Now, it was only my mom who died. I could try to complain that my dad has a family or that Chloe snores, but that's like regular stuff. No one will pay attention if I cry about normal stuff. So unless a meteor rock freak is stalking me, I'm going with the Whitney line."  
  
Holio looks from Lex to Lana and back again. "You know Lex. I actually think I hate Lana more than I hate you."  
  
Lex gives Holio a funny look. "Thanks. I think."  
  
"Whitney is missing in action! Boo Hoo!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAA!!!!" Holio rips a demon from his chest and throws it at Lana. It attaches itself to her and drags her to the ground. "Direct hit!!"  
  
Lex nods approvingly at the struggling and squeaking Lana. "Nice shot."  
  
Holio turns to Lex and smiles evilly. "Your turn."  
  
Lex's eyes go wide and he tries to back away from Holio. "Help! Somebody! Help!! Bald billionaire in distress!!!"  
  
A flash of lightning fills the room and the song 'Bad Boys' begins playing. Mandy Moore and Kelly Osborne appear in black leather cat suits. They take a pose. Mandy is the first to speak. "Get your hands off the property of The Deities!"  
  
Kelly chimes in. "Yeah, or we'll F'ing do something F'ing unwholesome and F'ing cruel to you! F'ing A!"  
  
Holio laughs. "Mwahahahaha. I am the best friend of the Goddess Of Sticky Sweetness! You can't do anything to me!!!"  
  
Kelly smiles evilly. "No! But we can F'ing stop your F'ing evil plan for F'ing torturing poor F'ing Sexy Lexy!" Kelly claps her hands. "Girls!!"  
  
Famke Janssen, Michelle Pfeiffer, Faith Hill, and Sheryl Crow walk in. They are all dressed in black leather. Holio's mouth drops open. "My favorite actresses and singers! I'm in Heaven!!!"  
  
Famke steps forward. "Holio. If you come with us, we will treat you to your wildest fantasies. The only thing we ask is for you to stop torturing Lex."  
  
Holio looks from Lex to the Women and back again. "OK."  
  
Holio leaves with the women. Mandy giggles. "And Lexy Poo is safe."  
  
Kelly rubs her hands together. "So we can make him do our evil biding. Mwahahahahahaha!"  
  
Clark raises an eyebrow. "Um, ladies. You didn't save Lex from Holio so you could have him all to yourselves did you?"  
  
Mandy innocently shakes her head. "No Of course not." Mandy and Kelly then exchange knowing looks. "Yeah, OK. We did it to get Lexy-kins all to ourselves."  
  
Kelly quickly adds in. "And you too Clark Bar."  
  
Clark smiles brightly. "Gee thanks."  
  
Lex mumbles. " Arrrrrreeeeeeeeeggggggggga!"  
  
Mandy gasps. "Oh Lexy!" She kneels beside Lex and puts his head in her lap. "It's OK Lexy Poo. Mandy Wandy is here to save you."  
  
"Ggggaaarrrr!"  
  
Kelly snorts. "Mandy. We're F'ing Goddesses of F'ing Cruelty In F'ing Training. We don't F'ing save people. Not without F'ing having ulterior F'ing motives at least."  
  
Mandy pouts. "But it's Lexy Wexy and Clarkie Warkie."  
  
Kelly huffs. "And you F'ing wonder why we are not full F'ing Goddesses Of F'ing Cruelty yet. Bloody F'ing Hell!"  
  
Suddenly, Lionel waltzes in with several men in lab coats. He points angrily at the Crazy Lady. "That is she! Take her away and medicate her!"  
  
Two men in lab coats grab the Crazy Lady and drag her out the door. She is still wailing about her lost boy. Lex stares puzzled at his father. He is almost coherent. "Ddaadd? Why are you able to see? Have you been lying to me so I would pity you and not kick you out of my Scottish Castle? I hate you."  
  
Lionel puffs up his chest. "Lex, I will not lie to you."  
  
A few minutes go by. Lex sighs. "And?"  
  
"That is it. I will not lie to you."  
  
"About what?"  
  
Lionel sees Lana on the floor with the demon still wrapped around her. She is squeaking and Lionel changes the subject. "Lex, why is there a woman on the floor? And why is she making that sound?"  
  
Clark answers. "That's Lana. Holio Blackheart threw a demon at her and we kind of forgot about her."  
  
"Oh." Lionel motions to two other men in lab coats. "Take her away too. Medicate her and put her in a padded cell."  
  
The two men in lab coats comply. Clark gets a weird expression on his face. "Why are you taking her away? She's not crazy."  
  
"Because I can." Lionel looks Clark up and down. "You look like you're an alien. You need to be put away too and experimented on until you are no more than what the aliens at Roswell are."  
  
Clark gulps audibly. "And what are the aliens at Roswell?"  
  
"Dead."  
  
Kelly jumps in front of Lionel. "You can't harm The Prettiest! He belongs to a much higher power than you, Fuzzy!!"  
  
Lionel sighs. "Your right. I don't know what I was thinking. I'll go now."  
  
Lex and Clark exchange odd looks. Lex lifts an eyebrow at Lionel. "Who are you and what did you do to my father?"  
  
"Lex, I'm disappointed in you." And with that, he's gone.  
  
Lex is left speechless. Clark lifts an eyebrow. "So, did we just enter the Twilight Zone?"  
  
Lex shrugs. "Your guess is as good as mine."  
  
Kelly and Mandy are suddenly in an "Charlie's Angels" like defensive stance. "Lionel acting strange can only mean one thing."  
  
Clark and Lex ask in unison. "What?"  
  
"Ninjas!"  
  
As if on cue, several ninjas appear. They begin attacking Kelly and Mandy. Clark and Lex are left watching. After a few minuets, both Kelly and Mandy are knocked out. The ninjas turn their attention to Clark and Lex.  
  
Clark gulps audibly. "Um, Lex? Is there a chance that you can knock yourself out or something?"  
  
"No, if I get another concussion I could have major brain damage."  
  
"Damn."  
  
Just when it seems like Clark will have to use his powers on the ninjas, a war cry is heard and Martha Kent rushes into the room. She quickly knocks out all of the ninjas. When she is done, she takes a deep breath and pulls a strand of hair out of her face. "Take that Mother F'ers."  
  
Clark's mouth has dropped to the floor. "Mom?!"  
  
Lex's mouth has too. "Mrs. Kent?"  
  
Martha smiles sweetly in her 'Mom' stance. "Hello Clark, Lex."  
  
Clark's mouth is still on the floor. "Mom. You never said you knew Kung Foo!"  
  
Martha is all 'Mom' mode. "Well sweetie, its Tai Chi Chuan and well . . . . . there's something your father and I haven't told you about your coming in to our life."  
  
Clark sighs. "What is it?"  
  
Out of nowhere Jonathan appears and putts his arm around his wife. Sappy music can be heard. "Well, son. We told you that we needed to have the help of a higher power to adopt you."  
  
"And that was Lionel . . . . . what are you guys not telling me?"  
  
Martha smiles. "Clark, when you came to us you were . . . . well . . . . more different than what you are today."  
  
"How so?"  
  
Jonathan answers in a deadpan voice. "Well son, you were green."  
  
Martha is quick to support her son. "We still loved you . . . "  
  
"And you had four heads."  
  
"And we would never judge you . . ."  
  
"There was a wired smell."  
  
"And we wanted you to have a normal life . . ."  
  
"You spit acid."  
  
"You were just abnormal in the extreme."  
  
"You tried to eat a cow."  
  
"Very extreme."  
  
"You challenged the TV to a duel to the death."  
  
"But we still love you very much."  
  
Lex is baffled by the Kent's. "Clark. Your parents are freaking me out."  
  
Clark nods. "Tell me about it."  
  
Martha continues without hearing either of the boys. "What we're trying to get at dear . . ."  
  
Jonathan finishes for Martha. "We gave you to the Goddess of Sticky Sweetness and the Goddess of Sam's Club Size Cans Of Whoop Ass in exchange for how you look today."  
  
"And they threw in my ass kicking skills as an extra."  
  
Clark is shocked. "Mom, Dad. I'm shocked."  
  
Martha hugs Clark. "Now, sweetie. Being the Deities cabana boy is completely voluntary. You don't have to if you don't want to."  
  
Clark sighs. "It's not that. It's just . . . . "  
  
Lex interrupts. "My father did the same thing to keep from loosing his hair."  
  
Jonathan huffs. "Yes, but our motives were not selfish."  
  
Clark eyes his parents suspiciously. "Is there anything else your hiding from me?"  
  
Jonathan sighs. "Son. If we are hiding anything from you, we can't tell you because the producers won't let us. But when they do, you will be the first to know."  
  
Clark nods in unhappy agreement. Martha snaps her fingers and smiles brightly with an idea. "How about a big ice cream cone to make it all better?"  
  
Clark smiles brightly at the thought of food. "OK!"  
  
The Kent's leave the room, leaving Lex behind. Lex looks after them and struggles with his bonds. "Hey what about me? Isn't anyone going to let the Bald Man go? Clark? you're my friend right? Clark? . . . . . . Clark?"  
  
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . . . . . . 


	7. Redux

I do not own anything in connection to Smallville or anything else that might be owned by someone besides me. Everything else is my own weird imagination. And weird it is.  
  
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Clark is clutching on to a table in the Talon for dear life. He is crying uncontrollably. "Don't make me go in there! Don't make me go in there!"  
  
Pete walks up with a box of party things. "Clark Man what's wrong?"  
  
Clark is still crying. "She's in there! She will steal my youth! I'm the prettiest!! She's not! She's old and has plastic surgery. I'm the prettiest!!! Whaaaaaa!!"  
  
Pete raises an eyebrow. "Clark Man are you telling me that you wont go beat up the . . . . Meteor Rock . . . . no that's not right . . . . . the Crazy Person . . . not entirely true either . . . . . Are you telling me that wont go beat up The Big Bad Person because she might make you age hundreds of years in a few seconds?"  
  
"Uh hu!"  
  
Pete scoffs. "Clark Man, you have to fight the Big Bad Person. Your Superman. Course I'm not sure if I should know that because I have no idea what season this is."  
  
Clark stops crying for a second. "You too? Well, at least I'm not the only one who is confused."  
  
The New Principal comes out of the theater area of the Talon. "Mr. Kent! Are you going to come and save my ungrateful ass?"  
  
Clark starts crying again. "No! She will take my youth and make me not be the Prettiest anymore! I'm the Prettiest!"  
  
The new Principal sighs angrily. "Mr. Kent! You come in the theater right now and do your duty as a student and save your principals bootie!! If you don't I will give you detention!"  
  
Clark barks a laugh. "Fine! It's better to have detention than to not be The Prettiest any more because some old creepy lady wants to relive her youth so she sucks the life out of teenage boys! She isn't even that pretty!"  
  
The new Principal Turns to Pete. "Well fellow Black Man, will you help me drag this juvenal delinquent out from under the table and force him to do his studently duty?"  
  
Pete lifts his hands in defense and backs away. "Hey man, I think Clark should beat up the Big Bad Person of the week, but I ain't touching the Super Hero. He might use me as a teddy bear or something."  
  
The new Principal huffs in disappointment. He then grabs Clarks legs and begins to try and drag Clark from under the table. Clark cries and holds on to the table even tighter. "NO! I won't go!! You can't make me!! She's scary and ugly and old and smells funny and creepy and SO not the prettiest!!!!! No!!! Mommy! Mommy!!" The only thing the New Principal has achieved in doing is dragging Clark and the table a few feet. "No! I'm The Prettiest! I'm The Prettiest!!!!"  
  
The new Principal gives up and slumps on the floor breathing hard from the work out. "Damn boy! What do they feed you on that farm?"  
  
Ignoring the new Principal, Clark wraps himself around the table leg. The Big Bad Person Of the week comes out of the Theater. She is not happy. "Hello? Aren't we suppose to be doing a scene in the theater right now?"  
  
Clark shrieks and crawls away to a corner. "Get her away! Get her away! I'm The Prettiest!!"  
  
"Riiight. Not if I suck you dry!"  
  
"Eeek!"  
  
"Mwahahahahahahaha!!! Once I suck your gland and make myself young again, I will be The Prettiest and then no one will be able to stop me!!!! I will be young and pretty forever!!!!!"  
  
"NNNNNNOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Pete looks over at the new principal, "I don't know about you Bro, but I'm going to run for my life like I should have done last episode. You know the one where that guy threw Clark across the yard?  
  
The new Principal nods in agreement. "Yes, but I'm not sure if it was really last episode. No one knows if this is season one episode or season two."  
  
"You either? Cause I don't even know if I'm suppose to know Clark's secret. I guess I'll act like I always do and see how it turns out." The Big Bad Person Of The Week is trying to kiss Clark and suck his gland. Clark is screaming and curled into a ball. "Maybe we should help him."  
  
"Feel free to but I will stay out of it. You're a main cast member. They can't kill you till the end of the season. This is my first episode. I'm as expendable as the principals on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Quite personally, I don't want to have my gland sucked or to be run over with my own car like the last principal was."  
  
"Yeah that was a bummer. He was the only Asian dude in the whole Midwest."  
  
Tires squeal and an expensive sports car appears in the Talon. Lex saunters out of the car and strides up to Pete and the new principal. "Hey Pete, Head Master who might have saved me from becoming like my father if you didn't make that comment about me being so much like my father that it will eventually drive me to become evil. Well, that and other things like it being in the plot line that was written a long time ago."  
  
Pete raises an eyebrow. "Hi best friend stealer. Someone hasn't shot you yet?"  
  
"Not for the lack of trying, I assure you."  
  
The new principal sighs. "What do you want former student who destroyed all my hopes and dreams in one dastardly deed, that we're not talking about because your father has cameras everywhere, including my office?"  
  
Lex glares. "Actually, I was looking for Clark."  
  
Pete points to the huddled, screaming form with an old lady hanging off of him. "He doesn't want to fight the Big Bad Person Of The Week because she will steal his youth and not make him The Prettiest any more."  
  
Lex raises an eyebrow in disbelief. "You're kidding."  
  
"No."  
  
"And all I wanted to know was what season we were in so I would know if my father was still blind and freeloading at my Big Scottish Castle."  
  
Pete gasps in mock horror. "Are you telling me that the Bald Billionaire doesn't know something? Call The Daily Planet!!! This is a front page exclusive!!!"  
  
Lex glares at Pete. "You know if you weren't Clark's oldest friend, the only Black Man in Smallville, and I wasn't feeling guilty because my father is SATAN and scammed your dad and uncle out of their Creamed Corn plant, you would have "disappeared" long ago. Not to mention the fact I owe your mother tens of thousands of favors for what she did for that telepathic kid . . . . wait. That hasn't happened yet. Damn! I hate reruns."  
  
The new Principal clears his throat angrily. "Excuse me, Spawn Of Satan, but I am a Black Man and I am in Smallville." He mutters under his breath. "Thanks to you."  
  
"You don't count. You've only been on for one episode and it's still not clear whether you will live through this one."  
  
The big Bad Person Of The Week puts her hands on her hips and growls angrily. She looks like a ninety-year-old woman. Clark is still curled in the corner crying. "Hello? While you three are talking, I'm getting older by the second. I can't get Clark out of the fetal position so I can kiss him and therefore suck his glands. I need to suck someone's glands NOW!"  
  
The three men look frightened and glance at each other to see if there are any volunteers. There are none. Pete and the new Principal point at Lex, volunteering him. Lex rolls his eyes. "You know, I change my mind. Lana's episode was not my least favorite! THIS IS!!!!!" He waves his arms furiously at the Big Bad Gland Sucking Person Of The Week. Each word is punctuated with rage. "It. Is. Physically. Impossible. To. Suck. The. Youth. Out. Of. A. Person. . . . . Especially. Thru. A. Kiss. . . . . . You. Are. Not. A. Meteor. Rock. Freak. Of. The. Week. . . . . . You. Can't. Kiss. Someone. And. Make. Them. Old!!!!"  
  
The Big Bad Cheerleading Person Of The Week smiles evilly. "Come and give me a kiss and you'll find out."  
  
Lex stares daggers at her. "Don't make me shoot you and claim self defense."  
  
Pete raises an eyebrow. "Lex, you have two witnesses that would do almost anything to get you out of Smallville. I don't think you'll be able to claim self defense."  
  
Lex just looks at Pete. "I'm Lex Luthor." Lex says the words like that phrase explained everything.  
  
Clark is still crying and his head being buried in his coat muffles his words. "I'm The Prettiest!!!!!"  
  
The Big Bad Person whirls on Clark. "No you are not! I will suck your gland and be The Prettiest!!!!"  
  
"NOOOOO!!!!"  
  
The Big Bad Person laughs in a high voice. "I'll get you my pretty!!!"  
  
"NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"  
  
Lex makes a face. "Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that she is quoting The Wizard Of OZ? Not to mention she is proposing a scientific impossibility, and the strongest person in the world is curled into the fetal position and crying like a baby."  
  
Pete furrows his eyebrows. "You know, now that you mention it, the gland sucking thing does sound kind of odd."  
  
The new Principal shrugs. "It's Smallville."  
  
Pete shakes his head. "The Superman universe has a wealth of history, so the writers shouldn't have to do stupid episodes like this to fill up a season."  
  
Lex furrows his eyebrows. "Pete are you saying that . . ."  
  
Pete nods. "We might be the victims of a Star Trek Complex."  
  
The Big Bad Person stops harassing Clark. "A what?"  
  
Pete explains. "A Star Trek Complex. You know how much potential the Star Trek universe has. Paramount has material to produce hit after hit of Star Trek shows. Yet The Next Generation was the last successful show out of the Star Trek universe."  
  
Lex continues. "It was almost like the shows were being run in to the ground on purpose. Stupid episodes were all over the place."  
  
The Big Bad Person scoffs. "But this episode isn't stupid, I'm in it."  
  
The men all repress chuckles. Pete is the first one capable of speech. "The only thing not stupid about this episode, and I hate to admit it, are the scenes with Lex in them."  
  
Lex nods. "Word."  
  
The new principal nods. "Double word."  
  
The Big Bad Person huffs in anger. "But I wasn't in a scene with Lex!"  
  
Lex smiles evilly. "Exactly."  
  
"Nnnnooooooo!!!" The Big Bat Person collapses on the floor. She can't get up and she starts decomposing. "I'm melting! I'm melting!!"  
  
Lex rolls his eyes. "Stop quoting The Wizard Of OZ!!!! You couldn't be the Wicked Witch Of The West if your youth depended on it!!!!!!"  
  
Pete considers the pile of flesh and bones on the floor. "All we had to do was stall her until she decomposed? That IS stupid."  
  
Lex nods in agreement. He then sees Clark still curled up in a ball. "Hey Clark? She's dead. You can come out now."  
  
Clark looks around for the Gland Sucking Vampire. Not seeing her, Clark smiles brightly and almost bounces over to the other men. "Well, looks like another evil villain is thwarted."  
  
Pete makes a face. "Yeah. She decomposed."  
  
Clark nods. "Right, after I heroically drew her attention away from you guys."  
  
Lex makes a face of disbelief. "You cowered in the corner and screamed for your mommy."  
  
Clark thinks for a second. "I won't tell if you don't."  
  
The other men think then nod in agreement.  
  
Lana comes running into the Talon crying. "Whitney is missing in action!!!! BOO! HOO!"  
  
The others look at each other questioningly. Clark is the one to talk first. "Um, Lana, wrong episode. Again."  
  
Lex snorts. "Possibly wrong season."  
  
Lana stops crying. "Oh." She thinks for a few seconds and then starts crying again. "My Parents were killed in the meteor shower!!! BOO! HOO!"  
  
Lex makes a sound somewhere in between growling and a T-Rex roar. "GGGGGRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Some one shut her up before I shoot her!!!!"  
  
The new Principal shakes his head at Lex. "Still not managing your pent up frustration Lex?"  
  
Lex shrugs. "At least I didn't just beat her down with a golf club."  
  
The new Principal nods. "Ah. So you have been going to anger management therapy."  
  
"Sure. That and if I hurt Lana, Clark would not be happy with me. Also, I would miss out on Miss Lane doing it about twenty years from now."  
  
Lana sees the car in the Talon. "How did a car get in here?"  
  
Lex rolls his eyes. "I'm Lex Luthor."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Clark changes the subject. "So now the Big Bad Person is defeated, what do we do now?"  
  
Lex shrugs. "I'm going to get drunk and pick up a hoe that looks like Victoria and possibly father an illegitimate kid."  
  
Clark stares at Lex, horrified. "Forget I asked."  
  
Lana flutters her eyes. "I'm a Fairy Princess."  
  
Lex just stares at Lana. "Riiiight."  
  
"Aunty Em. Uncle Henry!!"  
  
"Stop it! You might be a Fairy Princess, but you ain't no Dorothy!!!"  
  
"My parents died in the meteor shower. Pity me!"  
  
"Are you purposely trying to make me want to beat you down with a golf club?"  
  
"There's no place like home!"  
  
"Clark!!!"  
  
**** And so ends the stupidest episode of Smallville history.... Save for Clark in a Speedo. And Lex, of course. ******  
  
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . . . . . . 


	8. The Movie

I do not own anything in connection to Smallville, X-MEN or anything else that might be owned by someone besides me. Thou, I'm thinking about buying Lex on Ebay. Everything else is my own weird imagination. And weird it is.  
  
Author's note: This is a new format for the story. I might keep using this or switch back and forth. Also, I do not REALLY think the man who play Lionel is Satan, he is actually one of my favorite Actors/Characters, but it just seem funny to me to have his eyes glowing red and for him to be Satan. Cus, who else could treat their poor little bald son like he dose.  
  
COMMENTS ON LAST EPISODE: No, the sexual innuendo was not intended. Otherwise . . . . no comment. Captain Picard, Allan Rickman, the deities, most cast members and the crew of the Smallville did not make appearances because the episode was SO stupid and they didn't want to be dragged down by it. Clark, Lex, And Lana are the stars and HAD to make appearances. Pete needed the lines, and it was the only episode the new principal has been on.  
  
Enjoy!  
  
**************************************************************************** *******************  
  
Pete Ross walks into a almost empty room and sits on a chair. He smiles and looks directly into the camera. "Hidey ho there! Welcome to the two-hour movie of Smallville. The author has been having trouble figuring out what scene to parody. They are all just too cool to do just one. So she has decided to do small scenes from most of the movie. Think of it as Smallville on liquid meteor rock. I'll be your host. Pete Ross, The Ladies Man.  
  
Chloe pops into the picture. "Make that the only Black Man in Smallville."  
  
"Chloe!! I'm trying to host here!!"  
  
"Sorry." Chloe disappears from the screen.  
  
"Now where was I? Oh yes. So sit back and enjoy the parodying. Mwahahahahaha."  
  
==========  
  
Luthor Corp. Plant: Lionel is speaking to the masses of the plant.  
  
Lionel smiles widely. "Therefore, as of immediately, I'm closing the plant."  
  
The workers react badly.  
  
Mr. Sullivan is shocked. "Close the plant? Why? How? We were making a profit!!!"  
  
Lionel chuckles evilly. "Why? I! AM! SATAN!!!!" Lionel's eyes begin glowing red and he begins to levitate. "I can do anything!!!!"  
  
Someone in the mob shouts out. "Kill the Luthor's!!!!!" The whole mob agrees and more people take up the shouting.  
  
Lex turns angrily to his father. "Your evil!!! I HATE YOU!!!"  
  
Lionel doesn't seem phased. "Mwahahahaha!!! Yes Lex, I am evil. So much so, I'm going to leave you to deal with the angry mob. Mwahahahahah!!" And with that, Lionel floats away laughing evilly.  
  
Lex shakes his fist at his fathers receding form. "Damn you Dad! Damn you!!"  
  
Lionel's voice floats back. "Too late for that son!!!!"  
  
The angry mob closes in on Lex. "Oh Sh--!" The camera lifts up to get an above view of Lex and the angry mob. Lex lifts his head to the heavens and belts out . . . . "Somebody Saaaaavvvvvvveeeeeeeee Mmmmmmmeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
=========  
  
Pete smiles into the camera. "Well? How do you like it so far? Fun, hu? Now see how the Kent's react."  
  
========  
  
Kent Farm: Clark walks in on his parents reading the paper. They are not happy.  
  
Clark tries to smile. "So you heard about the plant? Chloe's really upset."  
  
Jonathan mumbles. "Damn Luthor's!!!"  
  
Clark looks like a puppy that just got kicked. "But dad. Lex is my friend."  
  
"Bloody damn Luthor's!"  
  
"But don't you think that maybe Lionel closed the plant to get back at Lex for not being the Good Son and moving back to Metropolis and being at Lionel's beck and call for the rest of Lionel's life?"  
  
Jonathan snorts. "No! That would never happen. All the Luthor's are evil!!"  
  
Clark appeals to Martha. "Mom!"  
  
Martha shakes her head. "Sorry Clark, with this I agree with your father. Lionel is The Devil and Lex is the spawn of Satan."  
  
Clark quirks an eyebrow. "But we knew that already."  
  
"Damn Luthor's."  
  
"MOM!!"  
  
"Well, it's true sweetie."  
  
"I'm going to pout at Lex's"  
  
Jonathan calls after Clark. "Son! What ever you do, Don't sell your soul to Lex or Lionel."  
  
=========  
  
Pete smiles at the camera. "Damn! The Kent's hate the Luthors almost as much as my family does . . . . . . . . almost."  
  
Jonathan appears in the screen. "Hey Pete, I heard you tried to shoot Lex. I'm going to try in 'Heat'. Want to like join forces and take them all out?"  
  
"Mr. Kent. I'm hosting the movie . . . . . . . . But latter, sure. My mom can get us off of murder charges."  
  
Jonathan pats Pete on the back. "Wonderful. See you later."  
  
Pete smiles evilly at the camera. "Now lets go to Lex's Evil Layer . . . I mean Scottish Castle to see Clark and The Spawn aka, The Friend Stealer do a scene together . . . . . Aaaarrrrrrr!!!!!"  
  
=========  
  
Lex's Big Scottish Castle: Lex storms into his study. "I'm going to kill him!!!"  
  
Clark raises an eyebrow. "Who? Your father?"  
  
"Him too. No, I'm talking about the jerk who came up with Tickle-Me-Elmo. But enough about my taking over the world by the time I turn thirty. Why do you want to be seen with me? I'm like the Scarlet Letter without the illegitimate kid . . . . . that I know of. Who knows what Victoria is planning to screw up my life! Her and every other person in the world, besides you of course." Lex's eyes get a far away look. "When I rule the world, I will rule them all. Mwahahahahahahaha! And if they don't like it, I'll kill them! Mwahahahahahahaha."  
  
Clark stares open mouthed at Lex. "Uh, Hu. Well gee, Lex . . . . um . . . . what do you plan to do about the Plant?"  
  
Lex stares wildly into space. "I don't know, but it will be big and somehow pave the way to me being evil. Mwahahahahahah. "  
  
Clark raises an eyebrow. "Um, Lex? Your evil laugh is really creepy."  
  
"I practice it in the mirror. Hey want to sell me your soul?"  
  
Clark backs toward the door. "Um, no thanks."  
  
======  
  
The Kent Farm: The truck explodes and Clark escapes easily. He rips his shirt off and stares intently at the burning truck. Jonathan and Martha come running up. They are worried.  
  
Jonathan looks from his son to the truck. "Son? Are you ok?"  
  
Clark nods. "Yeah. It was weird, I didn't even feel the heat. Do you think that as I get older my powers get stronger?"  
  
Jonathan and Martha exchange a look. Jonathan pats his son on the shoulder. "Ok son, whatever you say."  
  
Martha motions to the house. "I'll go get the marshmallows."  
  
"Mom?"  
  
"Clark, we are farm people. We never waste anything and that is one big bonfire."  
  
Jonathan calls after his wife. "Don't forget diner. We can save on the electric bill too!"  
  
========  
  
Pete makes a funny face at the screen. "Um. So the Kent's had a bon fire from the exploded truck, and cooked diner off of it . . . . . . . . I swear they weren't that weird when I met them. So, anyway, The Spawn has been plotting to basically piss his father off. Let's join them now."  
  
========  
  
Lex's Big Scottish Castle: Lionel glares down at his son. "Lex. Do not cross me. I am your father and Satan!! I bought Smallville Savings And Loan. When I destroy Smallville, everyone will blame you. If you come up against me I will bury you and all who support you. You will fail son. Just like you always do. And if you don't fail, then you will be on your way to becoming evil. Ether way I win. Resistance is futile."  
  
Lex finally looks up at his father. His tone is very mocking. "I'm sorry dad. I did not hear a word you said. I was distracted by thoughts of beating you to death or watching you get crushed by that pillar over there."  
  
Lionel huffs in anger. A hot wind picks up in the room and his eyes turn red. "If you're going to take me on son, you will have to bring your game up to a Whole different level."  
  
Lex merely raises an eyebrow. "Bring it. Fuzzy."  
  
=========  
  
Smallville High School: Chloe and Clark are at the lockers talking about Lana, The Dance, Chloe's insecurities. The usual.  
  
Chloe sighs. And turns to Clark. "Ok, I have this fear that you will leave me at the dance to go and profess your undying love for Lana and leave me a bitter old school teacher in some Midwest town."  
  
Clark smiles sheepishly at Chloe. "Chloe. You're the one I'm going to the dance with. I'll only run off on you to save Lana because she will be a stupid hoe and stay in the truck instead of getting in a ditch like she's suppose to in a tornado. At least I'll come close to kissing you."  
  
Chloe waves her arms about. "I'll never speak to you again if you leave me at the dance."  
  
"Yes you will. Otherwise, the producers will take you off the show. But just to prove it to you, I'm going to kiss you just as Lana goes by."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yep!" Clark sees Lana coming so leans in and begins kissing Chloe. Lana stares and looks jealous.  
  
When Clark breaks the kiss Chloe smirks at Lana. "Take that Doe Eyed Cookie Cutter High School Cheerleader Bitch!!" Lana squeaks and runs off. Chloe smiles up at Clark. "Damn that felt good."  
  
===========  
  
Pete looks jealous. He mutters. "Damn super freak getting all the play in town. OH! We're back on? Well, things get hairy when a tornado comes to town. Lana gets Dorothy training, Chloe gets dumped, so to speak, Jonathan tries to kill the pesky reporter, Lionel almost dies, damn that almost, and Lex gets hit in the head, again."  
  
The Crazy Lady from 'Lineage' comes on screen. "Are you my Lucas?"  
  
Pete makes a face at her. "Woman! Do I look like a White Man to you?"  
  
"Well my son . . . . . . . My Precious, I must find My Precious. Nasty Hobbits. They wont let me have My Precious. I must find My Precious."  
  
Pete is staring at her. "What the hell is your problem?"  
  
"I need My Precious."  
  
"Fool!!! This is Smallville, not Lord Of The Rings."  
  
Clark comes on screen. "Hey Pete, I need your spit."  
  
"That just sounds nasty Clark Man."  
  
Clark sighs. "I don't know if I have DNA so I need a human sample. Plus, I think it's very unlikely that The Crazy Lady could be your mother."  
  
"Sure Clark Man what ever."  
  
Clark smiles brightly. "Thanks Pete." He starts to leave but The Crazy Lady latches on to his leg and he has to drag her off screen.  
  
Pete shakes his head. "And it's a wonder why I'm not crazy. Any way, the following scenes will do all the climax for the first half of the movie and that will take us to the second part of the movie. Riiight. "  
  
=======  
  
Smallville High School: People in finery rush to the shelter of the school. The strong winds almost carry several of the anorexic and/or bulimic girls away, but their dates hold on to them and eventually get them in the building. Clark and Chloe finally make it inside.  
  
Chloe gasps. "Wow! That is some pretty tuff wind out there. I almost blew away."  
  
Clark nods. "But luckily you have Superman as your date so you can never fly away. That is unless I develop a flying ability in the next few hours."  
  
Whitney and Lana walk up. Whitney lightly punches Clark in the shoulder. " Hey Clark, can I talk to you man to man for a minute?"  
  
A look of fear crosses over Clarks face but it passes. "OK, what about?"  
  
When the two are out of earshot, and sight, of the other people, Whitney brings out a meteor rock and shoves it in Clarks pocket. Every word is punctuated by a kick or a punch. "You know Kent. I thought you wanted Lana. But now I know better. Your really a nice guy who only is interested in Lana for friendship.Will you look after her while I'm away getting killed for my country?"  
  
Clark can barely speak due to the meteor rock and getting beaten. "Sure."  
  
Whitney smiles, takes the meteor rock and tosses it away. "Thanks Bud, I knew I could count on you."  
  
Clark is barely recovered. "Any time Poop Head."  
  
===========  
  
Smallville High School: Clark and Chloe slow dance while a band plays a slow song. The singer of the band looks suspiciously like Lex. Clark leans down to give Chloe a kiss but an idiot interrupts everything.  
  
The idiot looks worried. "We have reports of several twisters touching down south of town. They are likely to miss the school but will probable hit the Kent Farm, Lana's truck, and we are all hoping that it will hit the Luthor Big Scottish Castle thus killing the Evil Luthor's. We will now be taking bet on which Luthor will die first. Will it be Lionel aka Satan, the bane of every Creamed Corn Eating Christians existence? Or will it be Lex, the incompetent moron who drove the plant into the ground and cost all of your parents their jobs?"  
  
Pete holds up a twenty-dollar bill. "My bet is on Lionel!!!!!"  
  
Clark furrows his eyebrows. "Lana is south of town."  
  
Chloe smiles sweetly/evilly. "I'm sure she's OK Clark. Here. I'll call her on my cell phone and we can listen as she gets sucked into the tornado and ripped to shreds." She turns around to see no Clark. "Clark? What the hell! He F'ing left me at the dance! I am So going to kick his ass!! No! I'm going to kick Lana's ass, Then kick Clark's ass! No one leaves me at a dance!!! Especially, Not to save The Fairy Princesses ASS!!!! AAAAAARRRRRRRR."  
  
The lead singer of the band walks up to Chloe. "Hello Sweet Thing! Want to go make out in the tornado shelter?"  
  
Chloe considers his offer for all of two seconds. "OK."  
  
============  
  
The Kent Farm: Jonathan is beating Nixon while Martha watches.  
  
Jonathan kicks Nixon again and grows down at him. "I will do almost anything to protect my family! You are a Bad Bad Man!!"  
  
Nixon is acting quite crazy despite the beating he has taken. "It's not fair that you've hidden this extraordinary creature away from the world!!! He should be known to the world!!! And be stuck in a zoo or being poked and prodded by military experts, or something!!! What ever makes me richer!!!"  
  
Martha moves up to kick Nixon herself. "You're a Bad Bad Man! I would never let my little boy be taken away from us!! And if anyone is going to make any money off of him it will be me!!! I raised him!!"  
  
The ship does something weird. Both Martha and Jonathan look at it, thus giving Nixon time to get away. Jonathan goes after him. "Come back here you slimy reporter!!!!"  
  
Martha screams after him. "JONATHAN!!!!!!!"  
  
Martha turns back to the ship as it rises up off the ground. "Danger Will Robinson! Danger!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh, sorry. Wrong TV series. Hi! You must be Kalel's Earth mother. I'm Kriptonia. Kalel's space nanny. So where is the little green acid spiting sweet heart?"  
  
"Um, he's at his school dance and he's not so little. He's like six foot six."  
  
"A little short for Krypton standards but with the backwards food he's probably been eating . . . . "  
  
"Excuse me! I feed my son very well thank you!!"  
  
"Riiiight."  
  
"Don't you take that tone of voice with me!! I raised Clark! Where were you space Baby Sitter?!"  
  
"Space NANY Earth Bitch!"  
  
"Don't make me come over there!!!"  
  
"HA! I'll just vaporize you with my Krypton rays!"  
  
"You would never do anything that would hurt Clark!"  
  
The ship is silent for a moment. "Damn!"  
  
"Ha! Ha! I'm invaluable to Clark."  
  
" His name is KALEL!!!!! "  
  
"CLARK!!!!!"  
  
"KALEL!!!!! "  
  
"CLARK!!!!!"  
  
"KALEL!!!!! "  
  
"CLARK!!!!!"  
  
"KALEL!!!!! "  
  
"CLARK!!!!!"  
  
============  
  
Lex's Big Scottish Castle: Lionel is chasing Lex around the room, being obnoxious, as Lex Looks for the Missing Space Ship piece.  
  
Lionel grabs Lex. "You cannot resist me! I'm your father! You are not my enemy! You are my son!!!"  
  
Lex breaks away from his father's grip. "Then why haven't you ever told me that you Love me! Or Hug me! Or do anything else that Normal fathers do!"  
  
"Because I'm SATAN Son!! Those are good things and I can't be good!!"  
  
"You hate me!!!"  
  
Lionel considers the question. "Actually Lex, yes I do hate you. But that's beside the point."  
  
The tornado comes and throws Lex into the wall, hitting his head of course, and a pillar traps Lionel on the floor. Lex gets up and looks down at his father.  
  
Lionel reaches out a hand to Lex. "Lex, Help me! My son!"  
  
Lex gets this manic looks in his eye. "DIE FUZZY! DIE!!!!!"  
  
"Lex!!!!"  
  
Lex sighs. "Oh, sh--! I guess I have to help you!"  
  
===========  
  
Route 90, somewhere in Vancouver that looks like Kansas: Lana stands outside the truck and looks at the tornadoes combining into one.  
  
Lana angels her head at the tornados. "Hm. . . . . Should I be smart and get into the ditch, or should I be a stupid air head cheerleader and get back in to the truck?" She thinks for a minuet. "Truck."  
  
Clark comes running up just as the truck is swept into the tornado. "LANA!!!"  
  
Lana bangs her hands on the window as if it will make any difference. "Clark!!!"  
  
Clark rushes into the tornado after Lana. To the side, Storm from the X-Men is on a murderous rampage and sweeping Jean Grey into the tornado. She cackles evilly. "Two birds with one stone! Kill Lana AND Jean! Now I will win the Oscar!!! Mwahahahahaha!!!"  
  
Scott falls to his knees. "JJJJJJJJEEEEEEEEAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Jean calls back from the tornado. "SSSSSSSSSSCCCCCCOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Scott turns to Storm. "That was not necessary!! Lana can't act to save her life and Jean wasn't even nominated for an Oscar."  
  
Storm flips her hair. "Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?"  
  
Professor X/ Captain Picard/ Patrick Stewart rolls up in his wheel chair. "The same thing that happens to every thing else! Mwahahahahha!" Professor X and Storm laugh as if they were sharing an inside joke.  
  
Scott slips his glasses down, thus blasting away Professor X and Storm. "Opps!! Guess the glasses slipped again! Oh well, looks like I inherit the X-Men" The tornado has stopped so Scott runs off to find Jean. "JJJJJJJJJJJJJJEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
===============  
  
Pete has a very weird expression on his face. "So that's where the tornado came from. Well, the first half of the movie is over and now we get to see the after math. I personally don't think it was all that great because Lex's father didn't die, Jonathan tries to talk ethics to Nixon, Clark whines about his father being missing, about Lex once again lying to him, and Lana just whines. To co-host the rest of the show with me, welcome the director of this episode, Cynthia Walters."  
  
The camera pulls back to revel a woman who looks and act's similar to "The Rich Lady" on Will And Grace. (You know the one.) "Thank you sweet cheeks." She stops and stares at the camera. "It was a fun show to direct. All the men are Hotties. Back to you Beef Cake Pete."  
  
Pete leans in and whispers to the camera. "The Producers thought I was having too many lines so they changed the format in the middle of the show." He speaks normally again. "So, enjoy the rest of Smallville."  
  
"Or what I call it . . . . . Beefcakeville."  
  
=============  
  
Kent Farm Cellar:  
  
Clark looks at the empty space on the cellar floor. "Mom where's the space ship?"  
  
Martha waves her hand. "It said something about taking you back to your home world because Clark was a stupid name and then it flew off."  
  
Clark looks at his mom like she grew another head. "O. K. . . . . . . The ship can talk???"  
  
"More like bitch."  
  
"Let's get you to the hospital Mom."  
  
=============  
  
Smallville Hospital:  
  
Lex lets a tear slip down his cheek. "He's my Daddy! Do all you can to save him."  
  
The doctor quirks an eyebrow. "Riight."  
  
Lionel groans. "Lex!"  
  
"Daddy!"  
  
"If you would have let me die. All evil would have been erased throughout the world."  
  
Lex let's that process. "Damn."  
  
==========  
  
Somewhere Under A Red Neck Hick House:  
  
Nixon recoils from Jonathan. "Don't Kill me! Don't kill me!! I won't say anything about your son. I promise."  
  
Jonathan grumbles. "I'm not going to kill you, my murderous rage has ebbed away."  
  
Nixon sighs in relief. "Oh thank God! I was almost afraid I would have to give up my story."  
  
"No. I'll just let Lex kill you."  
  
"But . . . "  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
=========  
  
Kent Farm Barn:  
  
Lex looks forlornly at Clark. "I hesitated. I almost let my father die. I'm a Bad Bad Man. He will see it as a weakness and use it against me. You know he is Satan? My life is one messed up mess."  
  
Clark looks bored. "Um, Lex. As much as I like to play supportive friend/therapist, I don't really care. My father might be dead and he's a whole lot nicer than yours is. I have problems of my own, so unless you want to help me look for my Daddy, then shut up."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"So what are you going to do?"  
  
"I'm going to help my Best Friend look for his father in hopes that I will become less evil in his eyes and maybe even get to kill someone."  
  
===========  
  
Somewhere In A Forest That Happens To Have Nixon's Car Hanging In A Tree:  
  
Lex turns around to see Clark stalking up to him. Lex turns the cell phone off. "Clark. I was just . . . . ."  
  
Clark is pissed. "Why were you talking to Nixon?"  
  
"I don't know Nixon."  
  
"Lex, I have super hearing. You were talking to Nixon." Lex hesitates. "That's the second time you've hesitated today. You're a Bad Bad Man!!!!"  
  
"But . . . . "  
  
"My Daddy was right about you. You are the Spawn Of Satan!!"  
  
"But . . . "  
  
"Go away and let me whine about my Daddy being lost!!"  
  
"But . . . ."  
  
=============  
  
Woods Again, But Sunny This Time:  
  
Chloe stops Clark in the woods. "Clark, you left me at the dance."  
  
"Sorry?"  
  
"I hate you. I want you to suffer. But, I don't want to get taken off the show. So, we should be just friends. That way I can pretend to be your friend but really look for ways Lana and I can get back at you for being a hot piece of man flesh that is destined to love another."  
  
Clarks face drops. "Oh, I was kind of hoping that I could lose my virginity to you."  
  
Chloe's mouth drops. "What?"  
  
Clark shrugs. "Oh well, looks like Lana's back in the running again."  
  
Chloe stares at Clark's back as he walks off. "Virginity? But! Waite! Come back! I changed my mind! I want to date you again!!!!!"  
  
==========  
  
Talon:  
  
Clark hugs himself and paces thru the Talon. "My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!!"  
  
Lana comes up to Clark. "Hey Clark what's up? Did you see me fly? It was so cool! I think you were there protecting me but I'm stupid so I don't remember all that much. So now that I was in a tornado, I can quote lines from The Wizard Of OZ. All I need is a dog."  
  
"My Daddy's missing!!"  
  
"My parents were killed in the meteor shower!"  
  
"My Daddy's missing!!"  
  
"I was Dorothy!"  
  
"My Daddy's missing!!"  
  
"Whitney is missing in action!"  
  
Lex saunters up. "Wrong episode. Whitney is on a bus to training camp."  
  
"But I'm the Whining Queen!!!"  
  
"Get over yourself."  
  
Lana squeaks and runs away.  
  
Clark is now sitting down. He has his knees drawn up to his chest and is rocking softly. "My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!"  
  
Lex goes to pat Clark on the shoulder. "Clark, I'm sorry. If there is anything I can do to help please tell me . . . . "  
  
When Lex's hand touches Clarks shoulder, Clark screams and moves away. "BAD MAN!!! Go away! Go away! Daddy Killer! Go away! Go away!"  
  
Martha races up and wraps her arms around her son. "It's OK sweetie. Lex, go away."  
  
Lex sighs. "Do I have to save your dad from someone who is trying to kill him to get you to trust me again?"  
  
Clark nods. "Yep."  
  
Lex turns to leave. "Fine." Lex leaves Clark in his mother's arms. Clark is still mumbling that his daddy is missing.  
  
====================  
  
Lex stares intently into the camera. "Halfway through shooting, a major injury happened to one of the hobbits. This had the potential to destroy the entire movie and bankrupt the producers of . . ." Dramatic pause. "The Lord Of The Rings."  
  
Pete appears on screen. "Um, Lex. What the hell are you doing?"  
  
Lex makes a face. "I'm hosting The Making Of: Lord Of The Rings."  
  
"Dude, this is Smallville."  
  
"You mean this is not The Making Of: Lord Of The Rings hosted by Michael Rosenbaum?"  
  
"No."  
  
"My bad." Lex leaves.  
  
Pete shakes his head. "Can't a Black Man get some uninterrupted time on screen at the WB?"  
  
Cynthia giggles. "Hell no! The Producers all work for Whitey!"  
  
"I give up."  
  
"Oh, come on Petey Poo! What's your motivation?"  
  
Pete acts very seriously. "To earn more money by having more lines. What's your motivation?"  
  
"Happy Hour."  
  
Pete shakes his head. "I should have known." Cynthia waves wildly at Pete as she takes a sip of alcohol. "Well, by order of the director, we are going to skip right to the ending."  
  
"It was too F'ing long anyway. I mean, come on! A person can only see Clark whine and Lana be "Volunteering Gal" for so long. Then it gets boring. And besides, the ending rocks!! Hotties galore!!!"  
  
Pete shakes his head and ignores Cynthia. "So, for your enjoyment, here is the last scene."  
  
============  
  
Somewhere Under A Red Neck Hick House:  
  
Clark busts into the basement. "DAD!!!"  
  
Jonathan cries weekly from the floor. "Son!"  
  
Almost immediately the meteors take affect and Clark collapses on the floor. Nixon takes this opportunity to stuff Clark's pockets full of meteors and drag him out of the basement.  
  
Nixon Cackle's evilly. "I will be rich!!!! I am about to break the biggest story of all time!!! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!"  
  
Clark tries to speak. "Let . . . . go .. . . . .of . . . . . me . . . . . .you . . . . . . .bad . . .. . .man . . . . . "  
  
"No!! I have no moral fiber at all and will sell you to the highest bidder!! It won't be slavery because you aren't human!! Mwahahahahahahahahahahah!"  
  
Suddenly, Jonathan comes flying out of nowhere and tackles Nixon. "AAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!"  
  
Nixon is stunned. "AAAAAHHH! How did you do that?"  
  
A fiery bird appears. "I HELPED HIM!!!!!"  
  
"What are you and how can I make money off of you?"  
  
"I AM THE PHOENIX!!"  
  
Nixon sports a slimy smile. "Well Miss Phoenix, can I ask you a question or two?"  
  
"NO!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Nixon cringes and squeaks. "ok."  
  
Jonathan gets up and salutes The Phoenix. "Thanks, Jean. You've been a big help. Say hi to Scott for Martha and me."  
  
The Phoenix is practically growling. "OK!!! GIVE MARTHA AND CLARKY MY LOVE!!! BYE!!!" And The Phoenix flies off."  
  
Jonathan chuckles and shakes his head. "That Jean Grey!! Always so stressed out! Golly!"  
  
Just then, Nixon knock's Jonathan down with an iron bar. Nixon growls. "You may not be willing to kill for this secret but I am!!! Die Farm Hick! Die!!!"  
  
Nixon is about to swing the iron and kill Jonathan, when a shot is heard and Nixon falls to the ground dead. Lex is standing there with a gun and is looking like a general "Bad Ass". Lex sneers down at Nixon's body. "That's my line F' Head!"  
  
Jonathan quickly rushes to Clark and discards the coat filled with meteor rock. "Clark! Son! Are you all right?"  
  
The coat hits Lex and knocks him down. "AAAARRRRGGGG!!! F'ing A!"  
  
Clark stands up and acts as if he has not been hurt at all . . . . which, of course without the meteors, he isn't hurt at all. Clark takes a Hero pose. "I'm fine Dad. I'm just glad that you were not hurt."  
  
Jonathan pats Clark on the back. "Son, you don't have to act like a Football Player you know?"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Clark envelops his dad in a hug and starts bouncing up and down. "Yay!!! MY Daddy is ok! My Daddy is ok!!!"  
  
Lex strides up and quirks his eyebrow. "Clark. Is there a reason why you where weak around the meteors but feel just fine when your not around them? Something like you being an alien who has incredible abilities or a wooden puppet brought to life by the meteors perhaps?"  
  
Clark looks like a puppy who has just been kicked. "Lex. Why would you think something like that? I'm a Real Boy!"  
  
Jonathan speaks angrily from his position as teddy bear in Clark's arms. "You no good Luthor! I'll kill you before I let you reveal my son's secret to the world!!"  
  
Clark gasps. "Dad! Lex saved your life! You could at least be civil to him until you try to kill him in the next episode."  
  
Jonathan grumbles. "Fine!"  
  
Clark smiles brightly. "OK! Since most of the plot lines have been resolved, let's go and skip off into the sunset!"  
  
Lex raises an eyebrow. "You can skip but I'm not."  
  
"I'm the prettiest!"  
  
"Sure Clark."  
  
Lex and Clark, with Jonathan still acting as teddy bear, begin to walk off. Clark starts singing. "Oh . . . we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of OZ. . . . "  
  
Lex moans. "Clark?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"But . . "  
  
"This is Smallville, not The Wizard Of OZ. We film in Canada. No singing movie tunes."  
  
Jonathan grumbles. "As much as I hate to side with a Luthor, He's right son. Stop singing."  
  
Clark look's like he's about to cry for a second but cheers up instantly. "Well, at least you two agree on something. Soon I will have you guys acting like you tolerate each other."  
  
"Not likely son."  
  
"But . . . . ."  
  
===========  
  
Pete has a plastered on smile. "Well, we hoped you enjoyed our two hour Smallville movie event. This has been . . . . ."  
  
Cynthia cut's him off. "Can we go now? I'm late for Happy Hour!"  
  
"Fine!" To camera. "Bye Ya'll!"  
  
Cynthia stares at him. "I'm too drunk to tease you for saying Ya'll."  
  
"Good. I'm going home. " Pete leaves.  
  
"I'm getting drunk." She sees Lex walk by. "Hey Sexy Lexy Kins! Wana get smashed and up your chances of having an illegitimate kid?"  
  
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . . . . 


	9. The New Episode

The show is not mine, Yada Yada Yada. Holio, Cynthia, Cherry, And Mir (Pronounced Maurrr.) are mine however.  
  
Author's note: My profound apologies to those of you who read this Fic regularly. My family had a nuclear melt down so I have been un able to write for several weeks. Have no fears, the crisis is over and I should start my regular installments again.  
  
Happiness is Lex Luthor in purple silk boxers and Clark Kent in Flannel. Mmmmmmm.....  
  
**************************************************************************** ********************************** THE NEW EPISODE!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The entire town is celebrating behind the Talon except for Clark and Lana. People are dancing, drinking, and generally having fun. Alan Rickman, Lord Byron, Mandy Moore, Kelly Osborne, Cynthia Walters, Cherry Winters, Mir Jenkinson, And Holio Blackheart are also there having fun.  
  
Lex extracts himself from a mass of groupies long enough to shout for joy. "The reruns are over! Seven new episodes!!!"  
  
Pete wraps his arm around Lex's shoulder. "Can I get an Amen?!"  
  
The entire town calls back. "AMEN!!!!!!"  
  
A very drunk Holio comes up on Lex's other side and also wraps his arm around Lex's shoulder. "I love you man."  
  
Lex raises an eyebrow. "You're not getting my Bud Light Holio." Holio looks momentarily crest fallen. Lex takes in the sight of the two men who hate him and who currently have him trapped in between them. "You know, if this weren't the first new episode in almost seven weeks, I would be really scared right now."  
  
Holio pats Lex on the head. "Don't worry idiot bald man. By the end of next episode we will go back to hating each other."  
  
Pete agrees. "Your just safe from one of us shooting you for now because we are so overjoyed that this is a new episode. As a result, we have momentarily forgotten our hatred for you and your father in favor for partying."  
  
Lex takes this in and nods. "Cool beans."  
  
The Gods, Goddesses in training and crewmembers start up a chorus line of "Celebrate Good Times." The three men join in with the rest of the town. The merry making goes on until Clark is tossed out of the Talon. Soon after, Clark walks out after Clark. The entire town does a double take. "Two Clark Kent's!" They scuffle a little and then circle each other.  
  
Clark #2 growls at Clark #1. "I'm going to kick your ass Kent!" Martha gasps in horror.  
  
Clark #1 acts cocky. "Bring it!"  
  
All the women of dating age, save Martha, shiver. "Ooooooooooooo!" Several women can be heard making commentaries like, "Oh, he can bring it over hear any time." And "That is one fine piece of man flesh." And "I love a man who is sensitive yet knows how to take control." And "Oh, did anyone find any red meteor rock? Cause that man is red hot!" And "Screw men in uniform, I like my man in flannel."  
  
This gets the two Clark's attention. Clark #1 blushes furiously while Clark #2 acts annoyed. Clark #2 crosses his arms. "Hello? We are trying to have a climatic fight here. Does anyone want to get out of our way?"  
  
Lionel smiles wolfishly. "We were actually going to bet on which Clark will win. I get a percentage for a fee of course, but only sixty present."  
  
Clark #2 furrows his eyebrows. "Which Clark are you going to be rooting for?"  
  
Lex rolls his eyes. "Well Duh! Which ever one of you is the real Clark of course."  
  
Clark #1 pats his chest with his hand. "I'm the real Clark!"  
  
Clark #2 imitates Clark #1. "No he's not! I'm the real Clark!"  
  
The town's people look from one Clark to the other in confusion. Pete shakes his head. "They are so alike, we can't tell the difference."  
  
Martha looks horror stricken. "I'm his mother and I can't tell." She buries her face into Jonathan's shoulder who pats her head sympathetically.  
  
Cherry comes forward with a look of disgust on her face. "Hello? Isn't it obvious?" The town's people all shake their heads. Cherry slaps her forehead in anger. "We have one Clark in Clark garments and one Clark in Jonathan garments." The town's people are not following. "The Real Clark is usually dressed in his signature colors, red and/or blue, thus foreshadowing his Superman costume. The bitchy fake Clark is in Jonathan's usual colors, earth tones."  
  
The town's folk are still not getting it. Alan grumbles and steps up next to Cherry. "This can all be answered in a simple question. Boys, or boy and girl trying to be boy, who is The Prettiest?"  
  
Clark #2 scoffs at the question. "Lana, of course."  
  
Clark #1 gets really defensive and almost 'Hurt Puppy' like. "I'm The Prettiest!!!"  
  
Alan lifts his arms and turns to the town folk. "And thus, Clark is The Prettiest. Now we know who to root for. Carry on with your fight."  
  
Clark #1 smiles brightly as Clark #2 walks up behind him and tosses him into the flower shop. "It doesn't matter who the real Clark is, I'll win and have Lana all to myself. Mwahahahahahah!!!"  
  
Clark #1 comes from out of the flower shop and hits Clark #2 into a wall. Clark #2 then proceeds to pick up a generator. "Why! Wont! You! Die!!!!"  
  
Clark Takes a 'Hero' pose. "Because I'm the main character and I'm The Prettiest."  
  
Clark #2 growls and rushes Clark#1, who easily gets out of the way, and Clark #2 impales himself on a sharp thing. It is then revealed that Clark #2 is a meteor rock freak of the week from last season who tried to take over Lana's life. She says something mellow dramatic but it is lost in the great rejoicing the towns folk are doing.  
  
Merriment continues until Lana comes screaming out of the Talon, with tears streaming down her eyes. "WHITNEY IS DEAD!!!!!!"  
  
Clark immediately rushes to Lana and wraps his arms around her. "It's OK Lana. Don't cry. I still don't know what to do with crying people."  
  
Lana manages to get out words around her sobbing. "I never should have sent that letter! I'm a Bad Bad Person!! Whaaaaaaaaaa!!!!"  
  
Holio crosses his arms and shakes his head. "You are several scenes too early girly."  
  
Lex shakes his head too. "She keeps doing that."  
  
"I hate her."  
  
"So do I." Lex regards Holio for a second. "Hey, do you think that our mutual hatred for Lana will bind us together and forge a unlikely friendship where we take over the world by the time we are thirty and foil Superman's do-gooder deeds thus making us rulers of the universe?"  
  
Holio looks at Lex. "NO. I still hate you with an undying passion and will see you suffer every chance I get. I just hate Lana slightly more."  
  
Lex rolls his eyes sarcastically. "Goody. I'm one step above The Fairy Princess. Go me."  
  
Lana turns on both men. "Hey! I don't get enough airtime as it is. I'm just trying to up the Female representation on this man oriented show."  
  
Lex shrugs. "Yeah, so?"  
  
Lana opens he mouth to say something intelligent but stops. She then starts crying again. "Whitney is dead!!!! Boo Hooo!!"  
  
Lex rolls his eyes. "Whatever."  
  
Lionel scratches his beard thoughtfully. "Lex."  
  
"Yes dad?"  
  
"I'm disappointed in you."  
  
Lex's mouth drops. "What did I do now?!"  
  
Lionel shrugs. "Nothing. It's just my strange way of saying I love you . . . . . . . wait a minuet! I'm SATAN!! I have no capacity for love in my cold un-beating heart! So I guess that it is a straight forward way of saying 'I'm disappointed in you Lex'!"  
  
Lex huffs in anger. "You are an evil man!! I never want to be like you!! That's why I did that thing to get me exiled here so I could take over the plant and rule my own destiny!! I hate you!"  
  
"Well son, I hate you too."  
  
Dr. Brice comes out of nowhere and drop kicks Lionel. The entire town cheers. She smoothes back a stray strand of hair and surveys her work. "Take that you fuzzy old blind man!"  
  
Lex drops to his knees in front of Dr. Brice. "Helen, sweetie! Does this mean that you are not working for my father and that you really love me for me and not because I am rich?"  
  
Dr. Brice makes an unpleasant face. "No fool! I just don't like that man. I drop kick him every chance I get. You still have to apologize and do all that touchy feely stuff about your heart being behind a wall and all that Sappy Crap."  
  
Lex begins kissing her feet. "I'm sorry my love! Sex is never as good when your not there!"  
  
Dr. Brice shrugs. "Good enough." Lex gets up and Dr. Brice takes his hand. "Come Lexy Poo. Let us skip into the sunset." And off they go.  
  
The town watches them leave. Chloe looks after them. "Gee, they are kind of cute in a really creepy sort of way. You have hope that she will be able to break through the wall around his heart and make it all better but at the same time the fact that he looks like the Angel of Death does gives you doubt. A tragic story in deed."  
  
Everyone tries to process what Chloe said but is unable to. Lana breaks the silence. "Whitney is DEAD!!! Boo Hooo!!!"  
  
Holio pulls a demon out of his chest and throws it at Lana. It wraps it self around her and takes her to the ground with a squeak. Holio smiles proudly. "Let's party!!"  
  
The town goes back to merrymaking. Clark tries to untangle Lana from the demon but gives up after a few minutes and joins the party.  
  
The party lasts for an entire week.  
  
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . . . . . . 


	10. Clark's flying lessons

I don't own Smallville or any of the characters.  
  
Author's note: I really do love most of the people on Smallville. The pain I inflict on them is my way of showing what good characters they are. . . . . . . . . OK I admit it. I put the characters threw pain because I'm sadistic and there is something funny about Clark hanging upside down and crying for his mommy. I mean he IS Superman. And that is what makes it so funny!!! Mwaahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!  
  
Mmmmmmmmmmmm. The bald man gets angry. Much sexiness is seen.  
  
**************************************************************************** *****************************  
  
Clark builds up his courage and takes a flying leap off the Daily Planet building. Halfway in between it and the Luthor Corp. building, however, he stops suddenly and begins twirling in mid air from his momentum. Clark screams.  
  
When he finally stops twirling, he is hanging up side down. Clark, the man who can stop bullets, run faster than anything on earth, light anything and every thing on fire, and who can see into the girls locker room in a single stare, . . . . . . . . Is crying like a baby. "AAAAA!!!! Get me down from here!!! HELP! HELP! I'm scared of heights!!! Whaaaaaaa!!!!!!"  
  
Jonathan shakes his head as he looks up at his son. "Son, you can't die. Why are you scared of heights?"  
  
"It's scary!!! Get me down!!!"  
  
Jonathan sighs. "Now Clark. I know I always try to encourage you to be truthful and share your feelings . . . . . but Damn son!! Grow a back bone!!!"  
  
Clark tries desperately to turn himself up right but only succeeds in flipping over a few times. "DAD!!! This is a valid fear that I have! If you can't respect that then be quiet! Whaaaaaa!!!"  
  
Jonathan rolls his eyes. "Whatever."  
  
Lex saunters over with several groupies and a Hug Slave. "Actually Clark, your father is right. With all your abilities, you should not be scared of something as small as a two hundred foot drop." Clark whimpers. "Or by the prospect that if you were a normal human, you would probably be dead by now."  
  
Clark is clearly panicking now. "STOP IT!!! Neither of you are helping! I want my mommy!!!! MOMMY!!! Whaaaa!!! MOMMY!!!"  
  
Martha and Lionel come out of the Luthor Corp. building with the terrorists and stand by Jonathan and Lex. Martha looks worriedly up at Clark. "Clark? Sweetie? Are you OK?"  
  
"MOMMY!!! I'm scared of heights and dad and the Baldy Man are making fun of me!!!"  
  
Martha glares at the two men. Lex shrugs and Jonathan rolls his eyes. "Honey. Clark is the strongest person in the world. He shouldn't be scared of heights."  
  
Martha scolds Jonathan. "Now just because he is strong does not mean he does not have the right to be scared sometimes." Lex swallows a chuckle but Martha notices. "And you! You are his best friend! You should be more supportive of him!"  
  
Lex gulps in fear of Martha. "Sorry Mrs. Kent."  
  
Clark begins crying louder. "Whaaaaa!!! Help me! Help me!! Get me down! Mommy! Mommy!" A sudden change occurs in Clark. He lifts his head to the heavens and belts out. "Somebody SSSSSAAAAAAVVVVVEEEEEEEE MMMMMEEEEEEE!!!!!"  
  
Lex whips out a gun and takes a few pot shots at Clark. "That's my line Farm Boy!"  
  
Lionel huffs. "I'm disappointed in you Lex!"  
  
Lex nearly growls his question. "WHY?!"  
  
Lionel shrugs. "Because I can."  
  
Martha calls up to Clark. "Don't worry sweetie! I'll get you down. Somebody get me a fork lift!!!" Several people quickly move to make Martha's wish a reality. When one is brought in, Martha uses it to lift herself up to Clark who is now sobbing and whimpering. "I'm coming sweetie!!"  
  
Left to their own devices, the men on the ground stand around. Jonathan notices the new woman hanging off of Lex and raises an eyebrow. "Lex. Did you get a new groupie?"  
  
Lex smirks and shakes his head. "No. This is my Hug Slave. I got her for Christmas. Some humanitarian group thought I desperately needed hugs."  
  
Jonathan nods. "Oh."  
  
Lionel grumbles. "Lex, you are a pansy! No true leader NEEDS hugs! They are for the weak and powerless. Alexander the Great never got hugs! And he ruled the world! I'm disappointed in you Lex!"  
  
The Hug Slave has wrapped herself around Lex to form a ' Protective Wall Of Hugging.' Lex hesitantly backs away from Lionel. Jonathan looks from father Luthor to son Luthor and shakes his head. "Damn Luthors."  
  
Martha has returned to the ground with Clark hugging her tightly. When they are both safely on the ground, Clarks starts bouncing up and down with joy. "Hooray!! Mommy saved me!!"  
  
Lionel snorts. "Oh, grow a back bone you pansy!!"  
  
Clark looks like a puppy who has just been kicked. "But . . . ." Clark begins crying again.  
  
Lex's Hug Slave rushes over to Clark and gives him a big bear hug. "There, there Clarky Bar! Don't cry!"  
  
Clark responds between sobs. "I'm . . . . Not . . . . . . A Pansy!! Whaaaaaaa!!!"  
  
Lex is pissed off at Lionel. "Dad, if you weren't going to get shot next week, I would have you killed for making Clark cry!"  
  
Jonathan nods in agreement. "Me too!"  
  
Martha grabs one of the terrorists guns. "Forget about next week!!! No one makes my Baby Cry. DIE FUZZY! DIE!!!" Martha pulls the trigger but nothing happens. She looks questioningly at the gun and then at the terrorists. "What the hell?"  
  
The terrorist shrugs. "I guess I forgot to load the gun before I tried to take people hostage."  
  
Lionel laughs evilly. His eyes glow red, a hot wind picks up and he begins to levitate. "Mwahahahahah!! I will never die! I am Satan!!" Lionel, returning to normal, then smiles smugly at Martha. "I will forget your attempt on my life if you become my willing Sex Slave until I get bored of you or you go insane."  
  
Martha wraps her arms around Jonathan. "Hell no! I love my Farm Boy! He is all I need."  
  
Lionel looks as if he is going to destroy something for a minuet but then shrugs. "Your loss."  
  
Lana suddenly runs in crying. "Whitney is dead!!! Boo Hoo!!"  
  
Lex raises an eyebrow at Lana. "Lana . . . . ." Lex sighs in disgust. "Never mind."  
  
Lana ignores Lex. "Why does everyone leave me??!!"  
  
Lex rolls his eyes sarcastically. "Because you are a whiny whore who is leading on one of the most good looking and good acting persons in the world?"  
  
Lana stops for a second. "You know, I never thought of it that way. I really am an awful whore. . . . . Oh well!" The water works start up again. "Whitney is DEAD!!!"  
  
"Oh please!"  
  
"I'm a Fairy Princess!"  
  
Lex spreads his hands in exasperation. "Are you even in this episode?"  
  
Lana stops and considers it for a moment before going back on her ranting. "At my signal . . . unleash hell!"  
  
Clark Pipes up. "I'm The Prettiest!!"  
  
Lex groans. "Not you too!"  
  
Lana hops up and down. "There's no place like home. There's no place like home."  
  
Clark tries to look tuff. "Wendy, I can fly!"  
  
Lex curls into a ball on the ground. "Make it stop! Make it stop!!"  
  
Jonathan looks at Martha as the three main characters continue doing whatever it is that they are doing. "Dear? Should we maybe leave them alone to . . .. . . . do what ever they are doing?"  
  
Martha nods. "Yes dear."  
  
All the people except for Lana, Clark and Lex leave. The three of them continue until the camera people get annoyed and walk off the set.  
  
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . . . . . . . . . . 


	11. Who shot Lionel Luthor?

I own nothing in connection to Smallville, Alan Rickman, or South Park. The Goddesses, Chinthia Walters, and Holio Blackheart are mine, however. Lex. . . . . . let's just say I'm working on him. Ebay fell through, so I'm now trying to acquire him from the studio.  
  
Authors note: Keep in mind that this is a parody and everything done here is for fun. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.  
  
Character notes: Chinthia Walters acts like the rich lady from Will and Grace, Holio Blackheart looks like Toby Maguire. Just to let you know.  
  
Random note: The first part of the story should be read . . . . . . Melodramatically. ############################################################################ ###############################  
  
Mellow dramatic music plays.  
  
Lionel is standing in the upper level of Lex's study, reading, "melodramatically". The study door opens, "melodramatically". A shadow, "melodramatically" walks in. Lionel stops "melodramatically" and listens. "Who is that? . . . . . I told you this conversation is over.."  
  
The camera "melodramatically" moves . . . . . . "melodramatically". Lionel is shot, "melodramatically". He "melodramatically" gasps and clutches his chest. He falls over the railing "melodramatically" and falls into a strategically placed, "and melodramatically placed", glass table. It shatters "melodramatically". The music swells, "Melodramatically" and Lionel stares into space "Melodramatically".  
  
Cut to a viewing room somewhere in Vancouver.  
  
Chinthia Walters, The Drunken Pervert Director, smacks Holio Black, The Lord of Darkness, AKA the Script Supervisor, upside the head. "Stop making fun of my masterpiece. Do you know how much editing it took to make it look THAT dramatic?!"  
  
Holio smiles evilly. "Don't you mean Melodramatic?"  
  
"Bite me Scripty!!"  
  
"Promises promises."  
  
Cut back to the show.  
  
Lionel lies on the floor. Lionel looks up to the sky and belts out. "Somebody SSSSSSAAAAVVVVEEEE MMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"  
  
Lex busts into the room with a miniozzy and shoots Lionel several times. "That's my line fuzzy!!!"  
  
Lionel groans.  
  
Jonathan bursts in threw the outside door with a shotgun and pumps Lionel full of lead. "That'll teach you to mess with MY WIFE!!!!!!"  
  
Lionel groans.  
  
Pete repels from the ceiling with a samurai sword and stabs Lionel in the heart. "Whaaaaaa!!!"  
  
Lionel groans.  
  
Several of Holio's daemon's fly from off screen and begin dancing around him in a pagan dance.  
  
Lionel groans.  
  
The boys from South Park enter and look down at Lionel's mutilated body. "They killed Kenny!!!"  
  
"You bastards!!!"  
  
Kenny makes muffled sounds. The boys take a closer look at Lionel. "That's not Kenny!! That's Lionel!!"  
  
"Isn't he Satan?"  
  
"Dose that mean that Saddom Hussein is Lionel Luthor's Gay Lover??" The South Park Boys giggle.  
  
Jonathan, Pete, Lex and the cameraman exchange knowing looks, and then burst out laughing.  
  
Cut to hospital room.  
  
Lionel is lying in his hospital bed. A figure comes in and shoots him. Clark turns on the light. "Gotcha!!" Who is standing in the doorway? Is it Jonathan, the jealous husband? Is it Lex who wants his father finally out of the way? Is it Dom the Fluky who has had Closter Phobia since his last run in with A-LEX-ander The Great? Is it a bird, a plane? NO! It's Holio! Who is standing with a smoking gun. Clark gasps. "Holio? You're the killer??"  
  
Holio shrugs. "The actor who is the killer is late so I'm standing in as the killer until he/she/it get's here.  
  
Clark raises a disbelieving eyebrow. "Riiight."  
  
Holio gets defensive. "Hey!! My hatred of All Things has nothing to do with why I shot Lionel."  
  
"Riiight."  
  
"Stop That!!!"  
  
Just then, Lex bursts in with an oozy. "I should have done this when you said I couldn't play with the normal kids because I was a bald ugly freak!! DIE! FUZZY! DIE!"  
  
Clark's mouth drops open as Lex shoots the bed. "LEX?!"  
  
Lex smiles at Clark and acts like nothing has happened. "Hi Clark."  
  
Holio tries to hold back snickers while Clark is still gaping at Lex. "Why did you shoot your father? I thought you two were forging a semi-non- satanic-father-son-relationship."  
  
Lex snorts a laugh. "What the Beep Beep? The Mo Fo bought my company! All he wants to do is run my life and destroy all my support systems."  
  
Clark shakes his head. "That's no reason to shoot him."  
  
Lex huffs. "Did I mention he's SATAN!!"  
  
Clark tries to dispute that but only comes up with. "Still . ."  
  
Just then Dominic burst threw the door. "You heartless businessman! Not only am I scared of the dark but now I'm Closter Phobic from when you left me in the car trunk. You're a bad bad man!!" Dominic shoots the bed several times.  
  
Every one in the room stares at him. Lex smirks and speaks in a slightly sing song fashion. "OOOO!!! Your in trouble!!"  
  
Dominic gulps. "Opps."  
  
Before more can be said, Jonathan bursts in with his shotgun. "If I'm going to Jail for your murder then I'm going to be actually guilty of the crime!"  
  
Clark's mouth drops open. "DAD?!?"  
  
Jonathan jumps from surprise and then scratches his head in embarrassment. "Hi son."  
  
Clark looks at all the killers in the hospital room. "Is there anyone who doesn't want to kill Lionel besides me?"  
  
Pete crashes in threw the window in his Super Blackman gear and slashes at the bed with his samurai sword. "Kill Whitey!!"  
  
Jonathan smiles wistfully, and shakes his head while Pete rabidly attacks Lionel's bed. "Nope son. There isn't"  
  
Pete cracks his neck and puts up his sword. "Now THAT is an assassination attempt! Boo Ya!"  
  
Clark's eyes bulge out of his head. "Um . . . . Any one else?"  
  
A bright light fills the room. Two winged angels swoop down and stab the bed repeatedly with fiery swords. Alan Rickman appears in an all white suit and pronounces judgment on Lionel. "Lionel Luthor, otherwise known as Satan, for trying to over throw the thrown of God the Almighty, you are condemned to HELL! Now feel the wrath of GOD!!"  
  
Clark's mouth drops open. When he has enough control over his reaction he clears his throat, thus interrupting the avenging angels. "Is every one aware that that is not Lionel Luthor in that bed? He was moved to another room."  
  
Every one looks disappointed. One of the angels stomps his feet in anger. "Man! That slippery serpent!"  
  
The other angel huffs in anger. "He always gets away at the last minuet! Just once I would like to find him."  
  
Alan Rickman shakes his head. "Damn you Lucifer. Damn you to HELL!!"  
  
The lights dim and evil laughing can be heard. "Mwahahahahahahahah"  
  
Lex raises an eyebrow. "Riiight."  
  
Clark has curled into a ball in a corner. He looks like a puppy who has just been kicked. "I don't understand. The sheriff is the one who shot Lionel. But he's the only one who hasn't shown up! This is suppose to be an Uncomplicated TV Show. Not like Law and Order where there are ten plot twists in a minuet!"  
  
Lex shakes his head and sighs. "Clark. There are two Luthors on this show. Nothing is simple with a Luthor around."  
  
Pete snorts sarcastically. "Ya think?"  
  
Lex smirks. "Oh yeah."  
  
Just then, Lana bursts in with a gun. She's crying. "Whitney's dead! A random source told me that Lionel is to blame. AND Lionel is really the one who made me an orphan! You're a bad bad man and deserve to die!!!" Lana shoots the now ruined bed.  
  
Everyone stares blankly at Lana. Clark looks questioningly at Lana. "UM .. . . Lana? Whitney was killed in action, and your parents were killed in a meteor shower from my home world. . . . . . that your not suppose to know about."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Clark raises an eyebrow at Lana. "Where did you hear that Lionel was responsible for all of that?"  
  
Lana shrugs. "Some random letter that I found at the Talon."  
  
Lex slaps his head. "Damn, I forgot the backup plan!" Seeing everyone looking at him weirdly, he decides to explain. "I planted that note so I could get Lana mad at my father enough to want to kill him. It was a backup plan just incase I didn't succeed in killing him myself."  
  
Clark quirks his head. "Gee, Lex."  
  
Lana shrugs. "If I weren't a shallow, evil, uncaring, tramp, I might be mad right now, but . . . . . .. . I am, and you're Lex Luthor. It's a typical thing for you to do. Oh well!"  
  
Lex sighs. "And just when I thought all her whining was going to be put to good use."  
  
Lana begins crying. "Whitney is DEAD!! BOO!! HOO!!"  
  
Lex mutters under his breath. "Here we go again."  
  
Alan looks like he has smelled something bad. "Can't someone shut her up?"  
  
Clark spreads his hands out and shrugs. "You're the Voice of God, and The Sex god, and The Sheriff of Nottingham, and the alien from Galaxy Quest, and you played the guy in Dangerous Liaisons. Why don't you do something."  
  
Lex adds in. "You're also Professor Snape from Harry Potter."  
  
Alan groans at the reminder.  
  
Lana is still crying. "I lost my parents in the meteor shower. Pity me!!"  
  
Alan scratches his head. "You know The Goddesses, Holio and I have been talking about a theory . . . . . let me test it out now." He walks up to Lana, who is still crying, and points a finger at her. He bellows. "Damn You To Hell!!!!" Lana squeaks and then disappears. "Suppose it dose work."  
  
Lex Looks like a boy who got just what he wanted for Christmas. "COOL!! Can you do that to my father?"  
  
Alan shakes his head. "He's already been dammed to Hell. Can't damn them any more then they already are."  
  
Cut to Hell.  
  
Lana is sitting on a stump. She is watching Clark with several other women. They are hanging all over him. They leave and Louis Lane walks up and begins kissing Clark furiously. Lana is shocked. "But Clark. I thought you were in love with me. Aren't I your true love? Clark?" Clark ignores Lana. "Clark!?"  
  
Clark pulls away from Louis long enough to utter. "Hu?"  
  
"I'm your true love! Your suppose to love me!"  
  
Louis smiles evilly. "He was never yours. He was sent here to fall in love with me. Your just a pitiful girl who peeked in High School."  
  
"But, I'm Lana Lang!"  
  
Louis looks Lana up and down. "Yeah, And I'm Louis Lane. The Bad Ass Reporter and true love of Superman. So, BOO YA Bitch!" Clark Just nods in agreement.  
  
Lana realizes that she's not in Hell. This is much worst then Hell, she's in a Reality Check. Lana lifts her head to the heavens and screams. "NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Cut back to hospital.  
  
Holio looks annoyed. "Do you realize that we've once again strayed from the plot of the show."  
  
Lex smirks. "What plot?"  
  
"Don't start with me Baldy."  
  
"Your just lucky that you're the best friend of the Goddess of Sticky Sweetness. Otherwise I would have to Kick your ass. . . . . . Ah hell, I'd pay someone else to do it."  
  
Clark interrupts the two dueling men. "So, since everyone, except me, wants to kill Lionel, I say we call it a stale mate and go home."  
  
Everyone agrees and files out of the room, leaving the destroyed bed and the pillows set up to look like Lionel.  
  
The South Park Boys come in and look around. They burst into song and a kick line. "Blame Canada! Blame Canada!"  
  
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . . . . . . . 


End file.
